Friday, November 24, 2006

Kak Long's grieve

Maybe it's not meant to be. I pray that my Kak Long will go through this pain with a strong heart. She lost it. She had a miscarriage. She was bleeding heavily and was brought to the hospital at 4am in the morning. Somewhere in the late morning Mom received the bad news. She didn't even have to do D&C, totally all came out.

She was hospitalized and expected to be release tomorrow. Allah send us the one thing that we've been waiting for, the maid came a week ago and helped a lot in easing us with the house chores. We are so blessed indeed that she's here when we needed her most. So far so good. I hope it will last for the whole contract at least.

Mom thot Kak Long would be best be at her Apartment during her medical leave. I disagree. Who would help her when she needed food or drink? At least if she's at mom's place she can get all the help she needed and have mom to talk too. I'm sure she need Mommy to be by her side more than anyone else for now.

Semoga ada rahmat disebalik dugaan ini. I spoke to soon..I was just on YM with a friend earlier in the week about the 2 babies I'm getting next year from my 2 sistas.

Kak Teh has been a great help for all of us. Maybe she regretted her wrongdoing my mom years ago. Allah send her right at our doorstep when we needed her most. I remembered the time when I got back from UK she was not in talking term with the family. My brother's death brought all of us back together. Alhamdullilah, though it takes death to bring people together, at least we're back together stronger than ever. She has her ups and no one is perfect. I was totally amazed as how my SIL can forget her contributions in bringing up her 3 sons from a baby as small as an adult palm until Zahin n Muhd turn 5 and habib 3 before Abg decided to get a maid. SIL didn't let her brother to bring the kids to her house for Raya. We didn't tell Kak Teh this. Yes SIL was upset that Kak Teh called the current husband 1st wife to ask her opinion on this "payung emas" marriage. But not letting the kids to see her?? What all of us adult here have been doing now in the family is not to expose the kids to any of the feud. We don't want trauma or having them to pick between their mother and the rest of us. It's never in the intention.

My Kak Long said, Intan dia luper intan..Kak Long pernah tanyer dier, macam mana dier mandikan Muhd masa baby dulu, besar tapak tangan jer?? She said Axx tak tau la Kak Long, Kak Teh yg buat sumer..tanyer la Kak Teh..Axx tak jaga Muhd.

Only time can tell..For now please pray for my Kak Long's good health and mom too.

Till my next entry...

P/S : Lap Top IE acces in the office and I've just discovered that to browse my fav blogs and update mine takes about 3 hours. Why I know this?? Coz I'm paying for it a CC....UWAAAAAA...UWAAAAAAA..... lari budget..those days were RM1 for an hour now is the kopak laaaaa...

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Significant 16

16… Somehow or rather 16 is a significant number to the family. Noooo..nothing like lucky or bad.. I don’t believe numbers gives any good or bad luck.

Lemme see..

16th November – Hanzalah’s Birthday.

Happy birthday to you….happy birthday to you…. Happy birthday to hanzzzz…. Happy birthday to you!!!!!!

He is one year old today. May you grow up to be a wise and a great khalifah.

16th November also is the day where Zahin and Muhd got their UPSR result. And alhamdullilah…. Both of them got 5A’S. Soooooooooo happy for them…

I’ve decided for the sake of the kids I’m gonna make a straight voice and face to talk with SIL. Maybe there’s a reason after all on why things happening when I’m not around. I told my brother that let me do this for the sake of the kids. Biarlah orang nak panggil talam dua muka ker or aper ker… because I want them to know that Abah’s family will always be there for them no matter what happen and she knows we’re here to stay. I called their mom around noon to check on the result, but she said it will be available only late afternoon. So I said please call or sms which ever is easier once she has it. Did I get any calls or sms’s? None… It’s ok though coz I expected this to happen.

I only got a call from her brother and father. Got Muhd’s cell phone number and I called to congratulate. Mom and I were on our way home from her acupuncture treatment when we receive this news. As expected the result will spark sadness in mom…she immediately saw her son’s shadow of love. She cried..I let her cry..did not say a word.

What else is there happening with 16?

16th August – My late bro’s anniversary. Now I guess SIL have 2 dates to remember, that is if she remembers.

16th March – SIL’s birthday

16th Syaaban – The day He took my brother out from this world.

16th December – Muhammad’s birthday

16th January – Zahin’s birthday

16 indeed is a number filled with memories of happiness and sadness.

Happy 1st Birthday Hanzalah

Monday, November 13, 2006

The Unexpected Visit

Once upon 14years ago..... (picture have been removed on the request of the bride)

On Sunday morning the controversial SIL came by with the kids and allies, I would assume for Raya visit. How cruel can that be?? Only allowing the kids to see the grandmother on the 20th day of Raya.

She went back to KT for the whole 1st week of Raya and only made an effort to call us on the first day of Raya. When she came back, the weekend next was to introduce her newly wed husband to the neighborhood and check this out… one of her allies actually lied to one of her invited guest by saying my brother attended the function and had gone home!!! Allah is Great, that guest happen to know my cousin and the whole thing just blurt out. They were invited to the house and SIL mentioned “dtg la ader surprise” That guest was obviously surprised indeed and gob smacked by the whole thing.

I came back from work, my cousin called me up to tell me what happen. Didn’t complete the conversation, my battery died and in that instance I had to pull over..bloody police man saw me on the phone without my handsfree. Damn!! Was my fault anyway… So I got stopped and alhamdullilah did not get a ticket. But I had to answer whether or not I can settle the whole thing by “belanja them officers makan”

Lose the badge...moron!!! Bebas rasuah konon… And what did I say…

Encik saya memang tak nak kena saman, kalau encik tanya saya laaa.. tapi saya jugak tak boleh nak belanja makan sebab nie dah macam rasuah… kalau itu yang encik nak..baik lah encik saman saya..

He handed over my I.C and reminded me not to do this again. I said thanks and apologized and agreed it was my mistake. Phewww!!! Kalau tak terbang RM150… but either way I felt good for not giving into them… cam skema gitu kan??

Anyway back to the unexpected visit, my sister actually chased my SIL out of the house. Yes ladies and gentlemen, that’s my Big Sister… She was the closest to my late brother, she felt disgusted when my SIL first voiced out her intention to get married by telling her a hadith which goes somethin’ like –

Kalau ada yang lebih baik, go on and marry him. Was this guy so much better than my brother? Only Allah knows…. And btw, in this hadith, that other better man, was Rasullulah himself which of course at that point of time is every woman’s dream to be the wife to the greatest man on earth.

What she did not do was to finish the hadith – Tetapi kalau ia adalah seorang ibu tunggal yang sanggup berkorban untuk membesarkan anak-anaknyer, tempatnya nanti adalah disisi Rasullulah S.A.W

If anyone reading has the complete version, please do fill in my comments, I would really appreciate it.

Dan bermacam-macam fatwa lah yg dikeluarkan while on the verge of getting married. That she did not need her father’s permission for being a widow laa… don’t need him as a wali la…and macam-macam la lagie. Well I’m not gonna argue on this as I myself am not an expert.

The kids alhamdullilah did not see this whole scenario. As soon as they salam Wan, they ran up to the TV room.

Before my SIL saw my mom, my sister spills the bean. Her tears drop. Her motherly instinct sensed that SIL had married but she was in denial. Now the truth has come… Mom redha…..

For some unknown reason I’m always not around when these things happen. Zahin again dropped his tears, Summaiyah even though she’s only 7..her facial expression can be clearly define. Mom did not want to add salt on to fresh wound..she didn’t ask questions like, what do you call him, or is Mashitah sleeping in between them at night… she don’t want to put them in an awkward wise of her… all she said was to all the kids that they must behave and take care of themselves.

I called her brother today. I felt that I had to apologize on behalf of my sister. I’m not condoning her act but I’m also trying to understand her frustrations. When anger take over our sanity, everything is possible… He understood and told me that her sister and her allies deserve it.

Till my next scribbles…salam and peace to all

Thursday, November 09, 2006


Like the unpredictable morning highway traffic, my life too has been bumpy and unpredictable especially for the last 5 years.

I did not predict in my early childhood that I will be working abroad alone as soon as I past my quarter of decade birthday. But I did.

I did not predict that at this age I will still be single and no kids, because only that who knows me knows how much I love em’. And I’m still single.

I did not predict that I will lost my brother at his early age of 36, I always thought that all of us will at least grow ripe together and not until I’m married the elder siblings will keep bugging me because to their mind I’m a gone case. But he went away without notice.

I did not predict that my innocent looking Sister in Law whom we love dearly, who knew my late brother until his time of death was 23years in which 13 was their married life will re-marry in less than a year after his death. A sister unlike my 2 other rebellious sisters whom I thought will forever love my brother dearly, whom I thought won’t ever disobey her parents, but she did. She got married far away on the east coast without her parents consent. Yes she did. Apakah pesanan arwah yang masih terngiang-ngiang di telinga on that last Friday? Jagalah maruah dia. Thank you sis, thank you kerana menjatuhkan maruah abang saya dan tolong jangan jadikan alasan bahawasanya Abang telah meninggalkan wasiat kepada Ustaz itu to marry you dan juga jangan jadikan anak-anak sebagai alasan. It’s sad to see that there’s no place in your heart saying it’s not ok to be no 2. I would have not imagine in a million years that you have a heart to rip another woman and 2 young kids happiness just to fulfill yours. But you just did it.

Zahin, my first nephew cried and cried while my sister and brother spoke to him about situations. He's only 12... I wish I was there when they spoke to him. It was important that he knows that despite all the things happening, he can always come to Abah's family for help and that nothing will change, our love will be the same..he's a victim of the situation. I feel his tears even in my absence. At least at the age of 12 I had a father, I'm sure he did not predict that Abah will only be around during the first 11years of his life and before reaching 13, he will have a step father. But it happen...

I never thought my mom would be diagnose with RA at an early age of 63. Never came across my mind that she would never again cook for us that delicious home cooking. All we can get from her now is instructions on how to cook a dish and despite the right ingredients and methods I still don’t get her taste, her passion, her aroma…..somehow or rather my satisfaction is not fulfilled. But I thank my sister for cooking us that scrumptious meal for Raya. Great effort sis.. I would not be able to cook all those meals, even if I tried.

One thing I’m sure and predicted is that my Abah won’t change. I was alone when I fisrt saw the Petronas advert for Raya..I cried buckets.. I had no one that I can share this moment with. The next day I told my mom about it...Sometimes after Isya, I got a text.."dah tengok..mum and me nangis wooo" I ran downstairs to see my sis and mum..sedihkan mie?? hahaaa..tu la uncle helmi cousin abah no wonder he looks familiar. But what I'm trying to point here is..I dun want to do that to my matter how he was or is to us. Sometimes people outside the family do not understand our situation. Abah can be so nice to strangers but have a never ending revenge towards his family. For the whole month of Holy Ramadan despite doing the saum and terawih all he has in words for our cousin is how nasty is his children and wife and the unimaginable cursed. Bukankah kata-kata seorang bapa itu adalah satu doa? I hope one day Allah will show him the right path and that we’re not as bad as he think and mommy is a good mom and wife. For now, my siblings and I will do our level best to entertain him and at the same time take care the jewel of the family.

Life’s so unpredictable or almost all of it are. Despite all this I’m counting my blessing for having a mother and father, for having sisters to argue with at the same time knowing that I can count on them in my time of needs, for having a brother to listen on when I need a listening ear and not “I told you so”, for having 7 wonderful nephews and nieces, for having wonderful friends online and not online, for finally having a job that I’m happy with though I think I should earn more, for being born a Muslim though I have lots of catching up to do, for the only 1 ex I had who taught me what love and relationship is all about… and for all those wonderful memories sweet and sour of my life.

My life would be meaningless without it and the people around me, past, present and future.

Thank you..thank you..syukran..jazakallahukhairan….

Till my next entry I would like to end this with my usual better late than never wishes,

Selamat Hari Raya & Maaf Zahir Batin to all my fellow bloggers and readers.. errr..ader kerr??

1. Anggerik Merah
2. Aunty N
3. Ayong
4. Azer Mantessa
5. Bertique
6. BTB Bro
7. Boogie
8. Blackfeline Sis
9. Bro Hero
10. Cosmic Gurl
11. Dayang Zone
12. Freex n Geex
13. Gab
14. Gravtkills
15. Bro Idham
16. Intan the SING Goddess
17. Isas
18. Itote
19. Jade aka Jar Miow
20. Jlop Jollie
21. Kak Teh
22. Kak Lady
23. Lollies the Doha Goddess
24. MadameRosse
25. Mak Andeh
26. Mak Lang
27. Mak Nenek
28. Mama Rock
29. Merapu Man
30. Nadia
31. Ninuk
32. NoreMourinho
33. Nour
34. NzN
35. Pak Adib
36. Pokku
37. Romancing The Stone
38. Sheryl
39. Sue Ixora
40. Sya the Kakak Bowling
41. TruBlue
42. Twisted Joe
43. Not forgetting..Kak Elle in SING & Kak Lady in SA

Not forgetting too my EFX2 buddies...

1. Dory
2. Elisa Taufik the Al-Khobar Goddess
3. FamyGirl
4. LazyDaisy79
5. Yes..lollies again..:)
6. Moonlite
7. Nadia
8. Nonah
9. Offlionandbear
10. OndeOnde
11.Primary Basic
12. Rotidua

A sms that I send before Eid which was not invented by me, but I kinda like the words.

Ada saat
Mata silap melihat
Telinga salah mendengar
Lidah terlanjur berkata
Fikiran khilaf menafsir
Hati silap menduga

Mohon maaf dan ampun sempena Syawal yang mulia

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Mom and Cooking

So it’s confirmed that Mom has Rheumatoid-Arthritis. Doctor says that modern technology has not found any cure for this disease. They can just ease the pain by giving steroids which may lead to other complications like BP, heart disease, kidney etc etc. Also to do lots of exercise or the right term is physiotherapy. Twice a day at least so that the joints would not stay stiff and lesser chances of cracked or broken bones if she takes a slight fall unintentionally. Mintak lah dijauhkan Allah..

She was warded for one night on the 9th for an observation. The Doctor just wants to see and monitor her conditions for that whole day and also introduced some other kind of exercise. Because Mom has BP Doctor has given her the mildest steroids to ease her pain. Steroids are steroids..what else is there to rank it?? Mom and we decided that she would not take the steroids unless she really really needs it.

*Salam to all Kakak2 and adik2. Mumy bole discharge esok, InsyaAllah. Dr Rheumatologist nak observe aje today. So no worries, she’s all right. Dapat gud rest. The condition of the ward is reasonably fine.*

That was the SMS big sis sends to all siblings, cousins and in laws. So much as expected I did not get that SMS from her, instead I got it from my SIL. I’m fine with the cold treatment and non-talking terms for now, it’s infact a relief… but not to include update on mom to me..that’s just so selfish of her. But it’s ok, I have my means and ways.

The Big sis brought her to see a Chinese Doctor in Putrajaya. We’ve decided to try alternative medicine. At this point of time we’re keeping our hopes high. She has now able to move her neck and look rather fresh after the treatment. It’s acupuncture treatment. Mom said poking of the needles is not painful but when the medicine travels along her nerves she can feel the pain which will numb her. This is a good sign according to the Sinseh. She must not feel pain throughout the treatment, she should feel numb.

For this week, I had 2rest days. I..Moi…actually cooked for iftar… Boleh ker?? How long have I left that cooking?? Can’t recall. I remembered taking over the kitchen when big sis left for the States to further her studies. Mom was a teacher then and Abah was already a pensioner. She left when I was 15yr/o. I was on morning session and mom was teaching at the afternoon session. I remembered vaguely cooking full meals everyday through out the year and I actually enjoyed it. I hated the cleaning part though. I guess that was what distances me from cooking later on in life..I hated the cleaning so much.

I learned how to cook masak kicap, asam pedas, soups and vegetables. I learned how to make cekodok ikan bilis, sardine rolls, fried noodles and also baked chocolate cakes, sandwiched cakes and kuih bakar. I think mom did teach me how to cook curry and gulai but it just did not registered into my brain. Anything with coconut in it, automatically gives me the difficult signal. Cakes and kuih bakar was for selling then. Cakes for me were for eating only, I don’t really like to baked, and I find it very tedious. But kuih bakar was my favorite, it was very easy, chucked everything in a blender and straight to the flowery shape container. At that time though I was still squeezing “santan” since the santan itself was not on sale yet except for the manufactured santan which is not delicious to use. But the waiting…waiting for it to baked fully was an agony. Lamer gilers woohhh… Couple of times I woken up to a hangus kuih bakar!!1 At that time we had 3 ovens and 18pcs at one go. It will take about 3hrs for all those 18pcs to become a finish product. Then cooling off time lagie, then packing it and hantar to kedai. But it was good money.

I stopped cooking as soon as I went to college. Mom was not like other mom, she dun really pester and say things like anak dara tak reti masak ker or things like that. But keeping the house clean, now that she’s particular. So off and on when she finishes her cooking I will do my part which is cleaning…terpaksa laaa. Sometimes there were times that I would not even know where all the rempah ratus are when we have other people cooking at home. Terukkan??

When I finished my studies, came back home and started my job, the more reason I have not to cook. Then I left for London. When you’re alone, all the things that mom teaches you and not the school subject becomes practical. I sometimes cook on my off days or simply grab my fav sandwiches at the nearest Marks. I have this Kakak whom I always hang out with on my off day..and we will eat our heart out on that day which is usually every week. Or if it’s pay day we will go to Oriental City or Naha to get our hands on the char koay teow and teh tarik. Sometimes I will get stuffs at China Town and will make a feast for the 2 of us. I remembered when we makan the belacan and ikan masin, the daughter will go with hands covering her nose..Mom…sooo smelly…I think the neighbor Kaka. And we’ll go..yeah I think so too sweetie. How I miss that little girl and her mom.

So on Tuesday I cooked Ayam Masak Kicap and sayur campur goreng. On Wednesday I cooked Ikan goreng masak sambal, sayur sup and also cekodok ikan bilis. Terasa la proud gilers hari tu..and I did the cleaning up too. I felt like SAHM those 2 days without the kids though. It was swell and tiring. Now I know that SAHM is not all about shaking legs all day. Respect to all the SAHM bloggers.

Now I’m back at the office. 2 goods days of cleaning and cooking..I think I will stick to working for now..this is what I do better.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Sibling SMS Drama...

You know when at one point of life where nothing else matters?? Where you live day in and day out only for HIM. Gone are the days where what others said matters to me. Any constructive critiscm I will definitely take and improve where, when and how I can and to those who criticizes pointlessly and endlessly just because they’re feeling high and mighty, PISSED OFF!!!

Afternoon chat on the phone with me Mom

Me – How are you today..feeling better..ader exercise tak??
Mom – Ok…ader..mummy buat
Me – Saper tu?? Anyone came by?
Mom – Blaaaa…blaaa.. blaaa.. came
Me – Ohh…ok mummy dah makan
Mom – Dah..tadi kak long bought for me fillet burger
Me – Ok..Mie, today I’ll be back a lil’ bit late yaaa…coz Hapiz’s wife gave birth, so nak pie jenguk la yer..
Mom – Ok..u better tell Kak Long
Me – Hmmm..err..ok

5 minutes to 8pm phone chat with Kak Long at the locker, just after my maghrib.

She – What time you’re coming back?
Me – Ohh..slightly late skit..I told mom already..I nak pie hospital see my friend who just gave birth.
She – *Sigh and look at me I’m talking to you tone* Look where is you priority?? Is your friend much important than mom??
Me - *Stunned* *Blood pressure naik* Eeehh..aper nie??? Org nak pie tgk my fren kat hospital jer and I already told mom.
She – friend is so important is it? Who’s going to do the physio with mom?
Me – Laaa..balik I’ll do laa..
She – will be too tired by then
Me – why can’t you do it for me then? *Raised voice* So you cannot do it when you come back at 9?
She – Ohhh..u know this is the problem with you… u always want to raised your voice when I tell you something.
Me – Because you don’t I’m asking you why you cannot do it at 9 when u come back?
She – Intan, I have to go to Terawih and I have my own home..
Me – Ohh…I see..own home..
She – You see?? You see?? That’s your problem!!! Semua kawan..all your friends..
Me – Is easy for you to say kan?? Because you now have a freakin’ husband!!

Slammed down the phone…

Ring again….refused to pick up… Bzzz..Bzzz… sms came in

The SMS drama begins…

She – Pikir sendiri mane yang lebih penting. Ibu atau kawan? And keep d answer to ur self.

Received and Read…Think…This time I’m not backing out….She will have a piece of my mind..

Me – Dan piker mane lebih penting seorg perempuan pergi solat at the mosque or at home with the mom especially when the husband not around. U think ok. I’m adjusting my life to the best I can, all I need is a little appreciation not a condemning word 4 everything that dun go your way.

She – U and ur attitude!! Semuga Allah tunjukkan jalan yg lurus. Wat time you get back will tell mummy ur priorities. Simple. Don ever question abt the absence of my husband. U don know wat yur talking abt.

Me – ATTITUDE? Look who’s talking, ms perfectionist n control freak n everything is yur way or no way. I know my priorities. If you find it difficult to do physio with mom 2nite, it’s ok then. At least now I know…

She – Suker hati kau la. Do ur way and enjoy it.

Me – Yeah..that’s d best..U do yur way n we do our way n we can stop harassing each other n be nice for mom n whatever years balance of our life ahead.

She – Patut la Adoi kata ur “gone case”. I defend u, but now I think I was wrong. Adoi was really right. Do wat u want n like and don’t be ungrateful.

Me – Defend me? Tq la if u did. Really appreciate it. N u know wht? Dun bother 2 say wht others said about me bcoz I dun care heck about it! Intan ingat pesanan abang intan, something good dun always end good n vice versa.

She – Suker ati la..Muga umur pjg to prove it..

Me – I dun need to prove anything 2 anyone n pretend 2b who I’m not! Suker hati lu nak kutuk ke nak per ke. Asalkan bahagia dan puas hati…

She – Jazakallahukhairankhathira. Assalamualaikum.

Me – Wajazakallaukhairan. Waalaikumsalam

Finally….the SMS drama ends…

I reached home about 10.30pm and popped into the kitchen. What did I see?? A whole big pile of dirty dish waiting for me to be wash..heeehh..talked about revenge ehh….And who broke fast at home tonite?? My younger sis and her husband and Big Sis prolly came in just before 8pm because of her work nature.

So none of them can actually wash those dirty piles because I HAD to do some work contributions for that day…

Laugh to myself and happily rolled up my sleeve and wash..wash…wash…

I had enough of her bitching and nagging…. For cryin’ out loud..people have feelings.. My baby sister is lucky now that she has a husband, she has all the right reason to get away from this nasty situation… I remembered before she was married, everytime she argued with the HER, she will say..

Long….don’t be condescending sgt laaa…. Org lain pun ader perasaan gak..

I’m counting my blessings with the family I have though, which if my SIS didn’t realized.. I don’t have any siblings who’s on drugs or have drinking problem or living off with the parents money..each and everyone of us are successful in our own way not necessarily monetary wise. Even with the fights that our parents went through and sometimes still happen now… my mom did not get physically abused by my dad and all of us turn out ok.. with an exception of me la agaknyer..since both my brother and sis that I’m a goner… whatever la….

Can I not question why she chose not to call my brother to come home from his 40days mission and share the responsibility of taking care of my mom? Is it because he is doing a noble cause and our work is just not so noble??

Spare my lack of knowledge in religious issues, but is it not the son’s responsibility to take care of the parents?

Her reason?? Ohhh..what can he do? He stays in Puchong, the kids goes to school so it’s difficult for him to come everyday.

Is it??? Reason…reason…reason…

How far is puchong from SA… prolly about 25minutes drive when there’s no traffic. Plus his wife is a SAHM. For the time being until things settle down or when the maid arrives, why can’t he stay in SA. He can drive the kids to school every morning and stay at that area since his office is also there, and at least the wife in my mom’s place can help to care of my mom… reasonable?? But can I suggest that??? Noooo…my brother and her husband is in such noble cause where mom is not the priority as per the Sis.

But it’s ok u know..friends giving birth vs 40days of noble mission...nothing in comparison…

My baby sis makes an effort to come on week days infact everyone of us makes this little efforts for our mom. But when someone comes in and think that she is the superior of all and does the bulk of it….guess how that will turn out..

Usually after this drama episodes I would usually cry..and ask myself what is it people wants me to do or to be then go to my mom, mom will pacify me by saying..

Dah laa…dah laaa..buat pekak jer…whatever it is she’s your big sister..remember that she has done a lot for you and all the adik-adik..…

So what about our contributions?? What about our contributions when she flew to State to further her degree not on scholar?? Did she knew the trouble that mom had to go through? What all of us went through…Pernah diungkit? No..

What about when she was working in Langkawi for 10years?? Have she asked what we did??

Yes I know I’m the bad apple of the family, but people changed… but they’re not expected to be like how we want them to be..can I ask for my younger sis to be a little bit like me or like the eldest sis? For heaven’s sake she’s 27 and married…let the husband deal with her!!!

But yesterday my mind was clear..and I don’t want to go crying to my mom..she’s already worried as she is now… I said what I needed to say and my conscience is clear..

So tell me all you BIG KAK LONG’S out there…Is it because you have done everything for all of us your “gone case” brats that we have to endure and tolerate your bossiness???

N/B :-

Intan – That’s me
Adoi – My 2nd and only brother left
40days mission – Tabligh brothers they are

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Ramadhan and Sacrifices

So much to write..too little time..but I must have some time for me. Because by blogging I find some therapeutic sense in me.

Lemme see..what has been going on in my life?? New job..moved back to my parents place...and...and that's it. Why the heck am i so out of time then??

First and foremost I would like to wish my fellow bloggers a blessed Ramadhan al mubarak. Since I've been out of the blog world for quite sometime, here's a list of those I like to wish individually..just so u know that I'm still around and been reading your fantabulous blogs!!


1. Anggerik Merah
2. Aunty N
3. Ayong
4. Azer Mantessa
5. Bertique
6. BTB Bro
7. Boogie
8. Blackfeline Sis
9. Bro Hero
10. Cosmic Gurl
11. Dayang Zone
12. Freex n Geex
13. Gab
14. Gravtkills
15. Bro Idham
16. Intan the SING Goddess
17. Isas
18. Itote
19. Jade aka Jar Miow
20. Jlop Jollie
21. Kak Teh
22. Kak Lady
23. Lollies the Doha Goddess
24. MadameRosse
25. Mak Andeh
26. Mak Lang
27. Mak Nenek
28. Mama Rock
29. Merapu Man
30. Nadia
31. Ninuk
32. NoreMourinho
33. Nour
34. NzN
35. Pak Adib
36. Pokku
37. Romancing The Stone
38. Sheryl
39. Sue Ixora
40. Sya the Kakak Bowling
41. TruBlue
42. Twisted Joe
43. Not forgetting..Kak Elle in SING & Kak Lady in SA

Not forgetting too my EFX2 buddies...

1. Dory
2. Elisa Taufik the Al-Khobar Goddess
3. FamyGirl
4. LazyDaisy79
5. Yes..lollies again..:)
6. Moonlite
7. Nadia
8. Nonah
9. Offlionandbear
10. OndeOnde
11.Primary Basic
12. Rotidua


If i've missed's not done forgive me..

I will always remember this Ramadhan. This will the first year my mom won't be able to cook for us. She's not feeling well. Since the wedding, she has gotten worst. She's practically invalid in terms of doing any house chores. Suspected Arthritis-Rheumatoid. The blood test will only be known on the 6th October. Deep inside I'm scared...If there's one thing that I'm losing my mom. No matter who irritating she can be in condemning my weight...she's my pillar of strength. When I was down she didn't gave up on me. She played the mother role I would say to almost perfect. I don't want a perfect mom..I'm now learning to appreciate my mom the way she is....

I usually will get home at almost Isya, greet her in the room. Sometimes she will be struggling to get up for the loo to take wudhu. I peep from outside quietly..sometimes I can hear her crying... I just kept far away. What can I do??

There's only my big sis and me. My big sis will rush home to prepare or buy food for buka puasa then back to work. She will come back after maghrib, clear the table, get ready for Isya then to Terawih. I'll be coming back just after Isya, head to the kitchen, clear the dirty plates in the sink then massage my mom or dressed her in her kaftan or just simply chat with her. Nowadays I will put on the infra light treatment for her frozen shoulders and joints, these will usually takes up to almost an hour concentrating to many parts of her joints. So while doing this I get to chat with her on things and hear her feelings...She's scared too..she's been far too independant..that not being able to get dress on her own makes her depressed. I'm grateful that I have an Aunt and her children who really cared about my mother. They send some food everyday to my mom, knowing that I won;t be home on time and my Sister only get food from the Pasar Ramadhan... Thank you Umi and Kakaks!!

While doing that, she will always say that she misses her grandchildren. My late bro usually brings them at least once a month to Shah Alam...Now?? It's not my perrogative... I hope my SIL will find some sense in her to do what my bro used to do especially's hard for all...that's for sure..but that's the least I can matter how much I will never measure up to what my mom have done for me through out my life. My younger sis, drove up yesterday with her husband after hearing my mom's voice on the phone. She's in pain, she's scared, she feels helpless..

I help her dressed

I help her with her food

I help to get out of the car

I help her to get up from the bed

I help her ease her pain by rubbing heat ointment on her crinkled skin..yet natural

I'm actually doing the house chores...

But my SISTER sacrificed the most though... Now that I know she had been crying for quite sometimes..frustrated with her siblings attitude.. where's my 2nd bro?? He's out for 40 days since 16 Syaaban for his yearly mission. Shouldn't he be with his mom instead?? his responsibility now..he's the only son left..It's not my call..but I know deep inside my sister and especially my mom is sad. He should be with his family or in this case my mom and share this moment together..I'm not going to call it a burden..because for once in my life I'm doing something for my mom..something that comes naturally..not because I have to. Yeah..I can be a pain in the neck sometime...whenever she says the wrong washing the toilet it's not a chores...she's just frustrated I guess.

Mommy, I know I never said this enuff, I love you..I hope you will be better soon...I promised to do my level best for you...

Maybe there's a reason after all me not being married yet..there's a reason why I got this new job nearer to home, why my off day now it's no longer Sunday and it's weekday where I can drive my mom wherever she wants to go, why this...why that...but one thing I wonder but why?? why my brother??

All she has left to remember him besides the memories and her pain when delivering him is his wooden chair which he brought back from his uni ages ago and he's 5 juniors..which she rarely sees...

While going through this I'm remembering how my friend down south deals with this. She's in much greater situation that I am in. Thank you for indirectly giving me the mental and emotional preparations.

For now..I'm anxiously waiting for the blood test result...

Oh..Allah please make it simple..don't make it difficult...

Saturday, September 23, 2006

ONE in a million



The moment she was brought back after elimination, I was 90% sure she will be the winner. No doubt…

Sadly, Malaysians still votes based on “I like her/him” factor rather than on QUALITY AND ORIGINALITY.

Congratulations to SUKI…… not that she didn’t deserve the million nuggets but I STRONGLY believe that it should have been gone to FAIZAL!!!!

He’s Da’Man….

Western reality shows has proven to me that their audience has better judgement, I’ve seen winner who won because she/he was the darling of the crowds and winner who really really deserved to win. Unfortunately from all the reality TV shows produced locally, I’ve yet to see the latter winner.

Even the judges comments unable to increase votes or change the mind set.

SUKI might have won the million bucks but FAIZAL will get million offers and not forgetting ALIFF who will gain million extra fans from that butt act…

Monday, September 11, 2006

Goodbye Old Dame...

Sometimes I think there's a reason why this Sunday will be my last weekend off.

As just like other Sunday, on my off day I like to laze around to the max. Today as I jump downstairs happily at about Kak Long ask me this...

She - Have you asked yourself what is your contribution for the day?

Me - I wash the toilet.

She - Your own toilet...

Me - Since when that toilet is not part of the home??

And to save her lots of humiliation in front of her newly wed husband.. I ran back upstairs and locked myself in the room. Since I'm not contributing anything..I might as well stay in the room and bloghopped.

What about my daily contributions?? Don't that count.. Single pun susah.... Stay at home pun susah... It's so hard to please people...

Also I remembered that 2 nites ago she presented with an LV wallet for my birthday, not wanting to sound ungrateful and saying nasty things...I better stay away..... Dier yg kawin aku pun kena macam dah kawin least she gets legal humpin' in God ..let me stay sober...

Me not having Sunday off will do me good....


Dear XXX,

Noted, perhelp your phone not go to the voice mail.


Dear Mr C.B,

Warm Greetings from F & B Sales Office !
Kindly inform your staff in Front Office not to direct any inquiries or
reservations call to LL as most of the time she will be out of
the hotel unless the guests specifically ask for her. Kindly direct all
calls to me or Mr Boss. Thank you

Best Regards,
F & B Sales Coordinator

"perhelp you phone not go to the voice mail" ???? Can u report to anyone who writes like this??? All I can do now is laugh..God help him..honestly.....

On 26th Sept 2006 I bid goodbye to her. Having rested comfortably within her serene nest for 20months, of course leaving her makes me feels tinge of sadness.

Just look at the greenery surrounding above, is like you’re not in the city. But indeed it is right smack in the middle of our busy town. Too bad that I did not take the opportunity to use her track for this flabby fats…. What a waste. Well u know what they say, when u have them, u dun appreciate them..that’s my biggest problem.

I had lunch the day before by the invitation of the lady boss herself. She asked what will it be? You fancy the local or some western?? I doubt the western of course.. where else can I eat crème brulee for free and also lobster ala French and some other tongue twister menu.

So we had lunch, we talked about a lot, about why I’m leaving, to where, what was I doing before etc… great lady..very young and already the Hotel Manager. I had to absolutely of course mentioned my push factor for resigning which is because of the Mr Perasan Bagus!!! Apparently she’s having headache about him too. Break a leg… I said.

I’ve got a big bouquet of flowers during my last morning briefing. Then I got a nice Faber Castell pen from my staff. 2 branded lipsticks from my florist. On the 24th, my staff organized a farewell party for me and almost all the staff came so I said my goodbyes to almost all..I hope. It was at 3pm, perfect timing because it was change of shift time.

Then, the admin and finance peeps organized a nice lunch for me at tupai2. Yummeh… and this was also on the 24th…so imagine the amount of food I had stuffed in my belly that day. I have a problem with it. Moi? Problem with eating delicious food??? Errr….not in this life time.

Tonight, the management organized another farewell party for me at Saujana. I had a wonderful time. This time it was the at Senja Restaurant. Fabulous Italian cuisine. And then we headed straight to RP. The hotel club. Ohh….did I mentioned that I had to give a speech and also sang a song?? Yes I did, I sang “Honesty” When the resident band pestered me for a song, I was like..“Honestly, I’m not sure” and she heard “Honesty”. She signaled the pianist and find a chord for my voice… real jer.. and there I went. I can almost piss in my pants… whoa..gabra sehhhh…kalau karaoke cabuk jer boleh laaa.. anyway I sailed thru. Pheww…

The night ended at RP. I was happy, sad at the same time and nervous on the prospect of coping with my new job. Huge..huge responsibility… lesser capacity than current post but very compact job description. I’m a trouble shooter so called..I fix things i.e attitude. Muaaahaahaaa…I hope I can fix mine before I start.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Bahasa Jiwa Bangsa

This is a long overdue post..i think i wrote this for the already over Merdeka day...well better late than never. I can't even remember which Sunday that I saw FFM19. It's definately not the past 2 weeks though because life has been hectic. I have like 5 entries in my draft, which is not fully complete... coz I get too tired easily really need a booster.. whatever that come across my mind and I dun have the pc in front of me, i will scribble it, so i can input it later..

so wht did i miss? a merdeka wishes to all and thanks also for all the birthday wishes...u know who u are..and i luv y'all

well, read thru and wait for more to come.... and to those that kept coming...tks so much...and i will make my way thru your blog soon... insyaAllah


I managed to watch the rerun of FFM19 on Sunday. I came across the show half- way through and decided to switch channels in between just so I can catch the much said"I feel stupid speaking malay" controversy.

Bahasa jiwa bangsa, I don't consider myself cakap speaking berabuk kaa..or whatsoever but depending on situations yes i can speak like a londoner not cockney yaaa..though i can swear in cockney fluently or speak like americanish gitu. I tend to adjust myself automatically to suit each individual. Not because I want to please them or nak tunjuk perasan bagus kaa but simply because I'm comfortable with it. When I speak to my gardeners at work, automatically my bahasa melayu jadi bahasa indon. Does that make me a less berjiwa bangsa? What do u think?

I think this young actress is full of dynamic, full of spirit, full of everything for that matter that she forget by being bold with words in the Malaysian public has it's stake. She's just so bold that she forget that, that night was FFM19 not the Emmy Awards. She wants to be outspoken without preparing her self with the right words and the crowd expectation. I'm pretty sure what she meant that night was, "i'm comfortable in delivering my speech in english". It would be less controversial but it will still spark some uneasiness among people. Biasa la tekak rakyat malaysia nie sentiasa ada benda yg nak dipertikaikan. As I mentioned couple of times, we're one creative nation. Macam-macam ada!!! So Nani girl don't be sad, last year you were shivering on stage but this year you're a totally different, very gutsy..errr.. i didn't watch last year FFM's but that was what mentioned. So that is a good transformation, it shows that you have matured and will keep on doing just that and along the way you will face all sorts of obstacles and that's life.. so keep up the good work.

I don't write as good as I was in the school..mind you that is about 13years ago. Paper 1 english I will snore after merely and hour or so then I'll start to annoy others by banging the table with the pencil, Paper 2, I will be so engrossed in writing my composition fiction-please begin your composition with this sentence...oohh..those were my favorites. Kencing...kencing...and kencing...tks to virginia andrews and sidney sheldon..hehh..hehhh

I used to read a lot since young. Apart from the much forced piano lesson I have to attend, the much loved ballet lesson and the whishhh and whuuussshhh of swimming lesson I always find time to read. I'll read all sort of things, from fiction, encyclopedia, dictionary, story of the prophets and magazines. What's my favourite?? Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Noddy, Tin tan, Sweet Dreams collections, M&B and I read my first Virginia Andrews - The Dollaganger Family when I was 9. I read in the car, I read while accompanying my mom kat Kompleks PKNS SA tu jual carpet, I read kat party tupperware dan di segala party MLM business..arcopal, arcoroc, cosway, tokway..pyrex...pheww!!! I read before sleeping infact I read everything except my text books. Ohh..those were the boring ones. I remembered when I was 10 or 11, I got really bad results in my exam that I packed my back and ran away from home with my BMX. The first place my mom look was at the then "Berita Book Centre-BBC" at PKNS and guess who she found?? Yours truly... Well at least for that particular exam I did not get a whip on my palm....oucchh sakit wooo.. Than at one point after form 5 I completely stop reading..goshh I dunno why?? I regretted that. Me being introduced to this blog land have made me realised that I've missed a whole lot of things in life..simple thing such as reading a book, taking time off for myself and appreciating people around me i.e family and friends.

The only subject that I scored constant disinction since std 1 was English. I wonder why I did not take up TESL or sumthin similar..or kept on reading, I would have been able to write beautifully like my goddess friend. Ohh..I so envy her..magnificent style she has..and her song....beautifully written. But she is in everyway and every inch is Malaysian and she swears on that.. kann..kannn?? Melayu kapak gilersss.. just like me..

Sometime ago when I was a teenager I asked my mom,

Me - Mie, why the chinese student of yours can score straight for BM and I can't?

Mom - Because, the malay think, just because we speak malay and we're born with it, we can ace the subject. The chinese on the other hand think, to compete with the malay in getting a spot in the uni they have to ace this subject and because it's not their mother tongue they learn it the straight way - via the text book.

Me - I think I can write a good karangan..

Mom - Ok..go and write and then you compare it with my student's paper.

*Mom was teaching in a chinese school.

What a BM for spm was only C5..cukup2 makan..malu sehhh..dgn non-malay yg lain..almost all distinction. Should I be proud that I aced English??

Orang selalu tanyer..ehh..camner yer u pandai cakap english?? eehh..pandai ker?? i imitate jer pandai..pastuh byk tengok tv..maser kecik2 dulu tengok mcgyver, the a team, star wars, V, dan sumer sitcom i.e happy days, punky brewster, family ties, eight is enough, growing pains and macam2 lagie la..damn!!! what's that sitcom malcolm jamal was in...oohh..that famous actor..arrgghh...and also that sitcom with the shorty black it's killing me..tolong..i will not sleep soundly for this....

Okehh that should be my first instance nyer answer.

Then I will say, READ. Read as much as you can and keep a pocket dictionary next to you always. Read also the daily newspaper. I was lucky that my parents thot that having daily newspaper send to the house is important when we were kids. Now?? none of my married siblings house ader subscribe from the mamak paper. Kesian mamak tu?? Can't blame them..the papers nowadays are full of craps..time has changed. But like someone has said before, paparazzi only write what people want to read, so if there's demand on crap issues so crap issues is what we'll get.

Now with the topsy turvy grammars, silly spelling errors, wrong way of writing sentence i.e verb, adjective, verb to be etc..I'm starting to write anyway. I've spend considerable amount of money at MPH that will last me till the end of the year I hope. I make a point to read a page or two before I go into my lala land, I read during heavy traffic and I'll keep on reading. And I will keep on writing my blog in english or campur and not in full BM. Not because I feel stupid, simply because I'm comfortable with it and I look up at people who writes in BM...they have my utmost respect..simply because, I'm not as good as them in doing so.

For the coming National Day, here wishing all of you out there..Selamat Hari Merdeka ke 49!!! May we have more merdeka to come... merdeka to write how we want, to speak how we like and to sing when we want without being judge.

I'm every inch Malaysian and I'm proud of it. But I would like to stay in London because I can put on my nice charity shop trench coat in winter, wear my not a 2nd hand trainers during summer and clickety clack my sexy black boots during spring and breathe the nice smell breeze of autumm leaves.

Yes..people...c'mon, hit me mate..hit me!!!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

CTDK - Akhirnya Kini Pasti!!!

Bak lagu Diva Queen kita, Anita Sarawak, now the song suits well for the nation dahling pop diva who yesterday approximately around noon time is officially known as Datin Siti Nurhaliza. Fairy tale life indeed she has, some people are born on silver spoons...this I think is surely confirmed Christoffle. Banyak2 gambar yg aku terima, yang ini ada la ruper pasangan suami isteri..yg lain cam bapak ngan anak..especially when Dato K trying in vain to do his crooked smile. Gravt should I imagine you without the senget smile??

I did not watch anything on her nikah yesterday as I was so busy with the work and at home struggling with the maintenance boys for the long overdue matters domestically. So today while at the cafe having lunch barula sibuk carik star and nst to read snippet on it. Tak nak hipokrit okehh?? I admit I was going straight to her wedding section.

On Sunday while lazing around trying to sleep, I saw on TV written something like this :-

"Sesuatu yang penting akan berlaku kepada Negara esok" or lebih kurang laa..yg pentingnya the word important to the country. I was like gobsmacked!! Like dah lebih lebih la nie..kalau yer pun nak sponsor tak yah lah over do it. Here I thot it would be something related to Merdeka, but written with a pinkish definately the much anticipated wedding.

Anyway, alhamdullilah semua sudah pasti dan tidak lagi menjadi rahsia lagi. I hope the very best for Datin CT. And I truly mean this..though I know loads of people out there who despise her, as for me I'm just being realistic, if I were in her shoes, I would prolly handled situation my way which is I don't give a damn way..

As for now I'm drooling on her hantaran..switching from the Chopard and LV and Chopard and LV and that strawberry coated with choc dip...hhmm..not bad at all...

Like what Mak Andeh wrote in her blog, I should have applied for housekeeping job at the federal mosque..I would have had the chance to "sedut" a bling or two for my baju raya...:)

Selamat pengantin Baru, Semoga Berkekalan dan bahagia ke anak cucu.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

When will it end??

Does it work?? If we boycott these brands does it work?? Certain things I can forgo, but they're some I can't. Does that make me a heartless person?

I'll do my best with whatever I have. I'll contribute what I can within my means. And I'll pray for the peace of this little world we have and for all the citizens of the world and all muslims wherever you are. Amin..

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Soulmate made in heaven.

So it was settled. She said she had no intention to lock me out or whatsover. Thank you friends, u know who you are, thanks for the advice. I take it that it's about time for me to go anyway. My mom need me more then ever now. I came back on Friday night, I saw my mom's face all swollen and I knew she has been crying if not the whole day at least the whole evening.

Redha, that's the word I told her. We have to accept the lot here. This is our test. Not as hard as others but just as hard. She said, I told her father " Haji, dia dah lupa kat anak saya Ji, dier luper kat anak saya macam tukar baju". My heart filled with sadness, my eyes filled with tears. I had to pacify her frustration and depression. Dulu orang2 tua slalu cakap, lelaki, kubur bini merah lagie dah nak kawin lagi, nie the opposite pulak.. I don't know..honestly..I try to seal myself from commenting anything if possible, but how could I?? I'm just an imperfect human after all. I just wish ultimate happines for her and her new family.

In referring to a blogger friend blog on his entry - "Soulmate". I keep asking myself, does soulmate exist? Define soulmate?

a) It means that if a couple weather the strongest storm succesfully, they're still together and love each other more forever and ever.

b) If the otherhalf life is shortlived, and if the other half remain single till the day he/she dies and meet in the otherworld.

c) If a couple who did not survived stage 1 hurricane and disperse only to come back stronger because of the strong call of love.

d) If a couple who cannot be together for some reason, but they're solid as friends and collapse if binded.

Anymore options for the defination? I'm looking for soulmate made in heaven?? Exist?? Nahhh... in fairytale land maybe. Sometimes love build for over 15years can just be gone just like that. When someone has intention to re-marries in less then 6 months after the otherhalf last breath, can the love be questioned at all?? When is soon is too soon and late is late enough?? That is the question.

Yours Truly will soon be relocated to SA until further notice. Life as a nomad, that's me. For now I have a grieving mother to attend to and we have a wedding to execute for the coming National day.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Random Ramblings of Ugleeeyyyy

Zillion of things to write but u know when any of your family member have stumbled upon your blog, that makes it difficult to write from the heart. Because what comes from this heart maybe it's not wht their eyes wants to read..yaaa..i's my flipping blog, why should I care?? but knowing me..nak menjaga hati sumer org yg berkenaan I have to be the goody toooshoooes. I can't even write about wht I shop fearing of remarks...' nampak..bayar la hutang dulu', I can't even write that I went to Zeta bar or Planet or yg sewaktu dengannyer menemankan kawan yg kecundang dlm cinta or simply to let myself loose..fearing of remarks...'tak baik...kita kalau gagal dlm hidup dr segi aper pun, must turn to Allah' well like who am I to say this..aku pun far from perfect. It took me donkey years to actually put in into practise. Who don't know?? Melayu kat Malaysia nie...infact all muslims we know from small, it is instill in our head and mind that we turn only to Him for forgiveness, for help, for everything. But who actually act on it?? Not all kan..some turn to booze, some turn to drugs, some act upon a bitter sweet revenge by doing the same thing to others, some turn to clubbing 7 nites a week, some turn to their wheels-speed like nobody's business..many ways laaah.. but does that make that person a bad person?? unfortunately to some people with shallow thinking, yes, but to me, the ending of human life, only Allah knows so I as another human who is far from perfection will and do whatever I can in my way to be kind.

In fifteen days I will be moving on to another sequence of my life. My life has been colorful with many downs and little bit of ups. Mom, always say I'm born on a silver spoon, whatever that means. I'm not the brightest in the family, infact yg lain have degrees or masters, well with an exception to Arwah who only have diploma but he's far ahead of me. He had his own business to be proud of. He had to prove to my mom that he's able to take care of his family the day he told my mom that he wants to get married. He was only 24 then. And he did. Somehow or rather he did and he had a very understanding wife then. But now things change. Better stop here..freeze me fingers from typing further. That reminds me, is his 14th anniversary to be today. One of the happiest day of his life I must my SIL too I hope.

Okayy..back to born on a silver spoon thingy, I was the only one that "kapur" my dad's money for my private college education..the rest was either on loan or scholars. I started work exactly a month after I graduated. My first job, I had a company car and company handphone..whooaaa!!! dun My first job landed me 2 pink forms too when they boarded the 2nd board on KLSE. Made some extra bucks there. Then I worked my ass off for another couple of years, landed jobs that I want after 1st interview then off to the Kingdom.

Okaayyy..I shall continue this soon..brain dead skejab. For now just enjoy the 666's myth of relationship..betul kee?? Left that industry quite sometime ago..lost track.

6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years . . .

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to India on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself . . .

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Fair Trade Pleaseeee...

Here's the season to be it's back folks, the season where it will leave you with a burnt pocket..ouchh!!!

So I'm trying to do some shopping too..well considering I don't shop if there's no sale, so I'm not going to feel guilty for doing so now.

When it comes to big big sales like this I usually will duck in just like the rest of ya ladies out there..yaaa..u out there!!!..u know grab stuffs that you'd be eyeing from last summer or who cares if it's out dated..I dress for comfort not to please others and if that's what I can afford and that will be it then.

What pisses me off is, why does a plus size range have a plus price tag???

Because the plus size needs an extra yard of fabric or does it need a bigger sewing machine or does it need an extended yarn compared to the *normal*size???

Demmit!!! This is a no fair trade!!! I have to spend a lil' extra just to get some decent clothing. Whether it's at the mall or even pasar malam..oo..ok lets be realistic I will never..I repeat, never in this life time will I get anything that fits me in pasar malam if I stay *ugly* like this.

It's bad enough that Mom IS ALWAYS nagging about this... for her there's no life and dressing up for *ugly* peeps like me. She will go balistic if she sees me wearing a top that ends just nice up at my ass. Noooo, it has to cover it as far down as possible.

And when..when will KL have stores that have sizes in ranges i.e short, medium and tall for the pants. So help me gawd because everytime I find a jeans or pants that fits my neat ass I will have to send to the "Ah So" for friggin' alteration. That's another few more bucks!!

I so wish I'm in the Big Ben right now....where I have Ms Perkins & Mr H&M rendering me their latest at a ssoooooo affordable price...that is of course if you're earning the Queen E notes....aargghh..gone are the days.

Ms Perks here is not so very friendly with me..and her bunch of friends too like Ms Read, Ms Scarlett, Ms Total Women though I must say she makes me feel like a total woman and now they have another new friend in town - Ms Big Brown Bag. So flippin' plus price!! I try to stay away... but sometimes I bulldozed them, so sue me.. I'm so looking forward Mr H&M's arrival here for all the dry roses out there. Big is beautiful aye...aye Sir!!

Friday, August 04, 2006

A walk through the cloud

There was a moment of sadness in the heart when I got to the hospital to greet a newborn last night. A beautiful baby boy was brought into the world of hope from the SIL's family side. No..the baby is fine..the baby was a healthy boy and so was his mom. I thought I could just forget all and walk without a tinge of sadness, but I was wrong.

There it is, the place where I saw his face rounded with a white cloth. That image came running into my head while I stood out there for a moment. Such a long 15minutes of hesitating whether or not I have the courage to walk right through it as the main entrance was closed. I decided to wait for my SIL. Tears start filling up and my heart just filled with sadness.

I did, I walked right through it and thank Him for the room that was there was changed into a counter for the walk-in patients. I sailed through it trying so hard to fight my sadness but a tear or two drop as SIL asked why was my eyes watery.

Oh Allah, please give my family and myself especially my mother the strength to overcome this tragedy. Oh Allah please bless his soul and put him among the pious.

It's going to be a year soon, how time flies but the memories of him is felt so strongly. No death is harder to accept than a sudden death, which I knew but only now to feel the heartache....

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Had Enough of her?? Think again..

Okeehh...1st of all let me point out that I'm neither a fan of CT nor I am anti her. I listen to her songs when is played on the radio yeahh..she has some nice songs, credit to the composer and song writer, but I do drool over her gowns and heels.

I don't really care heck who she's gonna marry but yes I find it somehow not a surprising news when she announced it on National TV after months and months of speculations. Wasn't it so obvious??

For the past weeks I've been receiving many e-mails about K n her, never bothered to re-send, I read and delete...kapishh!! But this I have to blog it, because one find day many years after, insya Allah if a long life granted, I can track back my archive and see how Malaysians are directly/indirectly affected by this nation pop darling... We're so just one creative nation!!!

C'mon lets sing a long... and should I sing this on my birthday?? yes on the soon to come national day??? maybe I should ehh..

Nyanyi ikut rentak lagu yang dipopularkan oleh Sudirman – 31 Ogos. Nyayian secara berkoir adalah digalakan

21 Ogos

Tanggal dua puluh satu
Bulan lapan dua ribu enam
Berkuda! Di kota!
Nak dara dan duda
Ia pasti menjadi sejarah

Tanggal dua puluh satu
Bulan lapan dua ribu enam
Hari yang mulia
Hari bahagia
Sambut dengan Khalid Md Jiwa

Mari kita seluruh warga negara
Ramai-ramai menyambut hari berkuda
Dua satu bulan lapan dua ribu enam
Siaran langsung oleh TV3

Footnote :-

Only Malaysians I suppose can sing along to this, that is if they know this song. So do forgive me if I have any non-malaysian and non-speaking malay readers.

Jade dahling..i know..i know..u must be thinking..what's in my head now??? what the hell I'm doing..hehh..hehh..sis, me absolutely don't know either...

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Click to Central Park oppss!! Sentul Park

This morning while I was cruising more like crawling to work amidst the traffic, I noticed myself smiling. I feel good today. I feel it's gonna be a good day. I feel big, I feel that even with any misery I'm gonna face today I will breeze myself through it marvellously. Have you ever felt like this? Unexplainable..but I feel just great..

Maybe this is the after effect from a breezy night under the star watching the latest movie of Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsale - Click. Have you ever wonder what life would be at a touch of a button? Have you ever asked yourself how do you measure success? Is it with the amount of money you can accumulate, or is it reaching the highest ever in your career span or simply being happy with what you do and work with what you have a day at a time and appreciate people who loves you despite any shortcomings?? Go watch this movie. I'm not a very convincing movie reviewer. Thank you for me virtual friend for providing us with these complimentary tickets. More to come ya bro??

Sentul Park Entrance

Sentul West Banner

View of Sentul West

Now next I want to tell the whole peeps out there about the venue of the movie last night. Woo whoaa...we have our own Central Park!!! Introducing Sentul Park situated at Sentul West...sound so posh South Kensington, West Kensington gituu.... Never knew this..maybe to some yes, but I sure only got to find out about this place only yesterday. As I cruised in, is like I'm seeing Hyde Park but without the Serpentine Lake. Nice. I don't feel like I'm in KL at all. When I was YMing Beb yesterday for the movie venue, this was part of it : -

Beb - tikar or not?? Takkan nak duk kat rumput??
Me - Tikar?? for what?? ehh where is this Sentul Park?? Wht do u mean duk atas rumput? No kusi kee??
Beb - No laaa..ini tengok kat luarnyer...
Me - Tikar takder, carpet merah ader...

Starlight Cinema Banner and Venue

I googled the place for the map route. Right in the middle of Sentul..we have this?? Must check this place out. And I'm praying so hard for it not to rain. Please..ohh..please don't, just for tonight.

My Car Trunk

And as always He listens, it did not rain albeit the chilly night. Desperate situation requires desperate measures, my mobile home aka my car did not fail me when we needed something for our butt since none of us brought any tikar or whatsoever. I rummaged through it and managed to get old newspapers, cloth laundry bad and plastics cover for my laundry. Err..did I mentioned quater of my wardrobe is hang in my car too..

We found a spot with two guys behind us and they were sitting on a huge tikar..damn hugefor 2 persons I actually through out the movie pretending tak perasan edged myself a wee bit on their tikar. We had hotdogs, burgers and cokes while watching the movie. There were 4 of us and the other 2 were queuing for about 30mins for the food. Management need to improve that..though I saw lots of people brought their own knic knacs and I even saw a family brought a thin mattress and pillows!! We didn't have enough time to buy anything outside because of the traffic and it was a last minute arrangement. But next time we know how to adjust this... More free tickets please, because to be honest I will not spend that much of money and sit on the damp grass and go home with a sore back..hehh..hehh..once a month maybe..for the aura..thank you but not thanks, I will stick to my loyal dvd's and the big screen of TGV. Check out the web. Cool place.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Sheila's Showcase

Getting ready for the showcase..we're walking towards Mc'Donald in BB to grab some food..I'm not willing to spend anymore that what I've spend for Sheila's ticket. At about quater to 10.30pm we strode back to PH.

And lucky us we managed to find a nice spot about 3metres away from Sheila and exactly behind Acis. See that keyboard?? That's where Acis sat and that was how close we were to the stage. Who's Acis? He is Sheila's boo after her 1st failed marriage with Roslan. He was the New Kid on the Block during his hey day with Gersang. I did not go overboard with him unlike my other school friends. But he seems much better looking now, I must say Sheila and him aged gracefully. Good combination, though it's a 10years gap there..

That is Acis the closest we can get and unfortunately we were behind this is the best post we can get....

How do I rate Sheila's performance yesterday?? Grrreaaattt!! After 20yrs in the industry, she still proves she has it, with her aura, no bad stage jokes, her wit and plus her background musicians were all super great...Steve Thornton on the percussions..superb beb..superb..i tell ya!!!

She sang over 40songs in medleys and full..from her Dimensi album right until Ku Mohon. My history with Sheila started when I was in the Primary school. She hit the scene with Pengemis Muda and I still remember her in the video clip with the bob hair cut and oversized colorful tops. Then my Kak Long who was and still a fan of her was also my great influence. Sheila was the CT of the 80's but not overrated.

I must say I'm one of her loyal fans. I don't quite like using the "die hard fan" term because die hard for me means I have to know everything lil' thing about out hearthrob. She's not someone I'd die for but her concert or showcase is worth my every pennies.

She gaved a powerful packed performance - 45minutes per sec, there were 2 secs and she extended another 30minutes for us. She's a damn good entertainer, no soalan-soalan "pandai" - dah makan ker belum..or nak lagie ker?? dgn gaya yang tak menarik. She did in style that the crowd were happy to let her go..though the back way was actually swarmped by her fans who did not want her to leave. Crowds were super fantastic... the youngs and the old..all of us rawked!!! We enjoyed every moment. We sang with her, infact sometimes she let us sing half the song and joked about she being the choir leader. She even gave some tips on how to go on the count of 3 and scream "Sinaran". And yes who would blunder situation like this?? Of course moi... and she practically pointed her finger at me and laughed..aiyooo..perasan la skejabb. Even when her 1st sec wardrobe was giving her problem..she excused her self in style. She calls it "wardrobe malfunction" and did want to be like Janet J or she'll be ban for life. Though I did noticed she was looking at Acis macam "are you ok or not honey..I will change it during the break" hahhh..hahhhh.. just kidding..both of them were a sport.. I mean who would imagine that Acis who was prolly 10yrs old when "Tipah Tertipu" was shown on the cinema would marry Sheila.... Kalau dah jodoh tak ke mana ainnit??

All in all it was a worthy drive all the way from Shah Alam for her Planet Showcase and to Beb..yes it was fun to go out with you walaupun aku perasan kau mengutuk aku dengan mamat baju merah tu..cehh!!! takder was indeed a fun girls night out plus the mamat valet yg hensem tu!!!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Blogathon 2006

With the world going mad on bombings, firing of AK 47's, grenades and children are now being refered as orphans, parents losing their children, mothers became single mothers, I pledge for all fellow bloggers to give moral support to Blogathon 2006 which will be happening on the 29th July 2006.

Please visit my goddess mate or Ms PB her self for further information.

This is my first year so I would like to give my moral support, I'll be online as much as possible since me mum's place only has dial up connection :(. And hopefully I'll be able to contribute some $$$ into it. I wanted to offer myself, but I'm afarid I might have mental block at that particular time and will spoil the whole is just too good for me to mess it up.

So people come join me for this noble cause i.e moral support, monetary support - stay up late...turn on your connection after AF4, get ready with the junks, make the kids stay up late so they can entertain you with their wits or whatever it is that can make your eyes stay wide open. Give comments..cheer them..

Lets us do the little things that can make a huge different for this smoky world.

Addendum 31.7.2006 :-

Thanks to all that have supported and to all the bloggers for their superb entries. A total of 25pledges and US1377.00 was collected. May all this worthy cause be rewarded by Allah...

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


After months and months of seeing other blogs with cun, canggih, meriah template, I now finally have my own...which I hope it will last sebelum sampai my next tahap keboringan... have no fear "Iced Nyior" will come to the rescue..eeehh..ok ker sis to give me a hand the next time I need a new look? Plus I'm using all the working time to do all this renovating..hehh..hehh..I know..I know..dah menyalahgunakan facilities dan kuasa yang diberi *:(head down* I'm leaving anyway...I feel this company deserve it!!

I'm so useless to the point that nak buat banner or tukar template pun ok I did add some webstats,, prayer time....itu pun after seeing in on others. Copy cat la kire nyer nie.. so tabik spring la Aunty N sbb she did it all by herself. Me?? I have Iced Nyior to be thankful to..:)

So tell me..tell me..ok ker design nie..I've always like earth color and black, so it make sense to change from black to brown. Plus the rain effect tu like very soothing and calm for me laaa..and from the moment I saw it I have that Madonna old skool "Rain" singing in my head.

Ini adalah gara2 AuntyN being temporary out of service to renovate her house. Boy it looks great. And thanks for the semangat....I was like ehh..AuntyN also should laa... But sesungguhnyer AuntyN lebih mempunyai kesabaran dan ketabahan yang lebih tinggi walaupun ketiak dah berkepam-kepam bau...hehh..hehhh

And thanks to the one of the many goddesses I know for introducing me to this blogging world, what started as merely to drop comments on her blog has become an addiction to me. Arrggg!!! I hope with the new job to come I'll still be able to bloghop as often as now and please remind me to install streamyx at me mom's house because as of now with the dial up it's driving me cuckoo!! Ader hati jugak nak apply wifi kat rumah..but what's the range like for private home? Anyone has any idea? And assuming it's place in a room, would I be able to access it from the dining room or the living room for example? And I also heard that you'll be indirectly supplying your neighbours that access..betul kee?? Like that free ride

Finally thanks to all the frequent bloggers that have without failed visiting my nothing interesting entries. You know who you are..May one day adalah rezeki nak jumper face to face. Somehow, I much appreciate those advise and comments that I've received from you virtual people out there aka strangers to my real world.

Thank you all very much for making my day beautiful and full of laughter everyday....

Sunday, July 23, 2006

SMS on.....

Yes I'm a TV junkie. As far as I can remember I watch practically everything that sooth my eyes. It dun matter whether it's a documentaries, reality shows, sitcoms, drama series and even forum perdana.

It's not enough that I have to endure the slides in between, I have to listen to the crap SMS thingy rave going on the airwave currently.

I mean who in the right mind would even consider to waste their pennies on something that goes like this ;

Anda kesunyian? SMS on Teman / Are you lonely? SMS on Friend
Anda perlukan cinta? SMS on Cinta / Do you need love? SMS on Love
Anda perlukan teman hidup? SMS on Jodoh / Do you need a life partner? SMS cupid

And so many others...

Can we actually find anything or someone out of this?? And a close relative of mine says that this company actually making big bucks on this. Meaning there are people who actually responded to this!!! I mean what could a person possibly gain from this??It's bad enough that we have many fraud cases via the internet..I can't imagine what this SMS thingy can do. This is so far different than chatting on the YM which is at least free apart from paying for the access or subscribing to dating services via online etc... To add on from a reliable resources this thing will burn a hole in one's pocket.

If there's any good comes out from this among the bloggers, please do confess, I'm really keen to know it and/or has anyone of us tried this?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Mashitah and Faith

Most of the time that I stayed up late to surf the net, I'm accompanied by Mashitah. My youngest niece. Oh..yes she can sleep really late. Most of the time she'll just watch TV and once in a while she will get me to bring her to the loo or water or to make her milk.

And without fail she will always ask me to play the "Spice Girl - Mama" song that I have add on to my favourites. She will hear it over and over again and even insist that she should click on the play button.

With her big round eyes, she will always ask me, Mashitah nak Abah I love you pulak. So I will tell her, ok we listen to this song and when we reach the chorus we'll sing Abah, I love you instead of Mama. She will smile and say ok. She will sit with me and we will sing together. So they we go singing in a very low tone volume afraid of waking up the others. it hurts me to see that she did not get to enjoy her Abah as much as others have.


Something I received from my inbox. Apparently it's a real conversation. A simple defination of God does exist and to have faith is vital.

(God, Faith and Science. Think about it)

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?
(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
Student does not answer.

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
Student has no answer.

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter.)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student: That is it sir... The link between man & God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

NB: This is a true story, and the student was none other than.........
Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam, the present president of India.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Of Love, Life and Values

When a marriage collapse for whatever reason, I think both parties will feel the heartache. Sometimes there are some women or men who will fight for their marriage right till the end but there are those who will just give in to fate and let it be. I'm not married, so I won't know what I'll do if and when it happens to me..nauzubillahminzalik... Life's so unpredictable, I don't want to imagine it but I do hope that when the time comes I will do the right thing, be it to stay or to leave.

Something that I want to share with fellow bloggers and a reminder for me when the going gets tough!!

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy.. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife.. But I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.

Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.

I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K. Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry.. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from >me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished
to end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son.
I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not
because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain.. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand
surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever.. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

~Love is blind. Love makes us do crazy things. Loves makes us cry. Loves makes us confused. But without Love we're just a dry person in and out. And we often forget, to value and love ourselves because we're so busy finding love that have price but has no value.~