Friday, February 09, 2007

Wake up call

I was woken up by my mom this morning via the cell. She was like....

I****, mummy sedih laaa.. (and she started crying) I was so totally awake by now...

Mom - Jgn lah gaduh gaduh lagi ngan Abah... last night he asked me, mak duk kat maner??

Me - Mak?? Wan ke nenek mie?

Mom - Wan laaa...

Me - Then mummy cakap aper?

Mom - Mommy cakap la, mak maner ader dah Bah, dah meninggal...*sobbing still* and u know what he asked?

Me - What

Mom - I pergi tgk ker kebumikan mak tu? Mommy cakap la ..yer bah u pegie..

Mom - Dia dah luper I****.... sometimes he forgets whether he had his meal or not... Jgn la lawan lawan dier lagie okay.. he doesn't remember well now...

Me - Ye ker mie... ok lah..

*Cell phone off*

I used to asked my mom couple of years ago, how and why she accepted the way my dad treated her. Note - my dad is not a physical abuser but he tortures mom emotional quite bad that I didn't understand why she stood up for him after all these years. She just kept quiet. Till last night I still did not get the answer.

Last December my sister send me a text messages -

*Salam. Wa said to mum, "Mi, esok is your 40th annivesary" Mum replied, "Tak yah buat aper2. Sakit ati jer. Kalau takder anak2, life is meaningless" sambil berlenang air matanyer. (Also tomoro is Bos's b'day. 73th kalau ikut i/c. 76th actual. Kita doa je la aper2 yg patut)

And when I got that text, I still wonder to myself why did mom accepted all that? Why didn't she pack her bags and leave with all 5 of us? I cannot recall when actually Abah started to mistreated her, but it goes as far as I can remember, like forever.

But today I guess I'm beginning to understand vaguely why...

People get married for various reason, either they really love each other or they think they love each other, for companionship, for money, for because it is something they must do after long years of courting - just to get the happy ending without realising that it was just a beginning of a whole new chapter. Or could it be because there's passion in it, thunderbolt lighting strucked at that spot, at that moment, chemistry factor was perfect or many other reasons for that matter.

And once its binded, it's usually for life. Like only death will do us part..kinda thing... Then reality come into life, out come the habits good or bad of our otherhalf, we learn to deal and accept it accordingly. Then pop out the junior/s. Then the passion dies off as it usually happens and only conscience kept the marriage alive. The feeling of responsibilty, guilt, and I must make this happen attitude then comes all the sacrifices.

Sacrifices has kept my mom to the ground. She probally could walk out ages ago, but she did not. Perhaps because she felt we needed a father, a proper family tree or simply a I'm a happy woman with wonderful children and a great husband!!! No one outside needed to know.

But for whatever the reason Allah has grant us this ordeal, only HE knows, I'm grateful that I have a father and a mother and few other siblings whom I can call my family. Yes sometimes I wish I didn't have a father because of the things he does and than I'll retaliate so bad beyond a father and daughter arguments that's beyond imagination and I felt that I've accumulated so much sin because of him. Sins that I could do without. I wish I can undo all the things I've said
and done, but it will not happen. I just hope Allah will grant me more patience, strength and love to offer my Abah and this morning call was a sign for me to start acting like a daughter as how he has been to me during my younger days.

It's my mom choice to stay with him. I would not stay, if I was her. But mom is not me. I remembered someone once told me that - Allah takkan duga kita dengan apa yang kita tak boleh tanggung. Maybe that's her share. Meanwhile, I will just do my share of this dugaan which I think is only a speck of the dust compared to what others have to go through.
Ohhh..before I forget..I spoke to Mashitah today...that little girl in the photo... She was at the neighbour's house playing with Jannah. Jannah recognize my voice considering I left the house about 5 months ago I felt good. So Mashitah told me she can draw and color now and she drew and colored a fish in school. And she also said she can dial her mama's phone without help from others and even remembered the number. I was so happy and she asked for my number too. She even wrote it down with the help of Jannah and promised she will call. I've missed her... that little angel... hearing her voice made me drop my tears..
Mashitah dah tinggi ke skrg?
Tinggi macam cik I**** ker??
*Giggled* Tak lah belum tinggi tu lagi...
I love you Mashitah...
I love you too....
Zahin n Muhd is back home for a week break. Just so happen my mom called Kak Wani today to ask about the kids. Instinct of a grandmother and a grieving mom. I hope Kak Wani won't be call a traitor for giving out such information as SIL labelled one of her brother as one for doing so. I guess it was too much of work for my SIL to get her 2 sons to call Wan over the phone, so Wan had to call them. So glad to hear from my mom that they're doing well in school, no bullies, good food etc. At least it made my mom's day.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Past & Present

uhuukkk...uhukkk..banyak sawang dah nieee...cob web here n there ..wooshh..wiissshh...ok..dah clear..:)

well after neglecting the ugly but adorable home for quite sometime, i finally find time to refurb what needs to be refurb.

so what's in store for 2007 and what 2006 has taught me?

2006 has been a rough year for the family. A battle that has no ending or rather waiting for an unknown ending. Whatever it is I know for sure it's gonna be a painfull effect on all especially the kids.How can I fight this ego in me? Am i angry at her? I'm not angry at her for needing another shelter, for needing another half to complete what has been take away abruptly. It was a calculated risk which I have warned her very much earlier, a risk that she has to deal with and not run away from it because it started from her decision to do so. They say blood is thicker than water, so I guess we ain't her blood anymore. No more calls, not even from the kids, I guess it's too hard to instill value in the kids when anger takes over the adult mind.

Mom has repeatedly ask me? What is happening to the kids? Takkan after abang's death the line is cut off? I know I have to make the first move but my heart is still full of questions? why?? why did she elope? why can't she make an effort to have little sensitivity towards my mom? why can't she make an effort to make contact with our side of the family, to my aunts, to my uncles, not more for her benefits, just so the kids knows their roots.

Alhamdullilah, Zahin n Muhd got straight A's for their UPSR. And they got to a boarding school. Mom had to call and ask for this. I don't mind to do it, but it just hurts me to see that an old grandma had to call and ask for something that is phone call away for the kids.

Mom made a difficult journey to Abang's grave on Eid Adha. Because she could not do it on Eid Fitri, she insisted to go on that day. Called the neighbour and ask if the kids were at home perhaps they can come down to meet "wan" which is a stone throw away from home. They came, but not the kids, it was Abg Mat nor and Kak Wani who came instead. Mom was touched, happy and tried very hard to hide her disappointment. Touched that the couple came, happy that she was able to make that journey and disappointed that none of her grandchildren came over to wish her Eid Adha.It was that close... the next day they left for boarding school without again calling "wan".

I pray that Allah will lead me through the right path in dealing with this. Insya Allah, He will...meanwhile I can only offer my doa for everything to turn out as how she SIL has hoped for. For if not, I shall not again have the courage to see what will her next action be.

2007 came and I can only hope for a better year for family and me. About a month ago, I brought mom to her doctor appointment in UH. She actually walked all the way from the entrance to the waiting area infact she was walking from one point to another that I could not believe that in November she had to be wheel-chaired to the doctor. How we're blessed...I'm forever grateful to Allah s.w.t for bringing my mom's health back. My sister keep telling my mom, Mie, mummy kena byk byk bersyukur for all the things that happen and the outcome which was beyond our expectation.

Infact she is driving now, she started to drive last week and ecstatic that she could do so. We reminded her to not over do it and still keep with the medicine, treatment, physio and of course the doas.

As for me, I'm starting a new job in a new place and back into the hustle and bustle of KL. I'm planning to commute as much as possible. Infact during this one week break I took the comuter down town and also the LRT as early as 7am just to see what I'm getting myself into. To see what's the damage like. Will it be so bad as some of my negative friends comment. Here I am telling them, I can commute, why not? I commuted when I was in London, as early as 6am, it was not a problem. And they were like,'s gonna be sauna commuting here and no nice trench coat you can wear to look good and nice boots is not an negative!!! It turn out not to bad at all, it wud help if the weather were a bit cooler and LRT shud have more coaches to handle the 9am & 5pm traffic. I was in KL Sentral trying to get to Dang Wangi today and we were put on Q like in school, serves the Malaysian society right for not practising certain values. Because some of us who do not know or pretend not to know that we should give way to passengers who's getting out and therefore we Q like school children. And need they be reminded that if they wish to remain at a spot on an escalator they should stand on the left side!!!'s even written on the wall in some places. Gosh..dun they read?? My annoyance escalates everytime I uses the escalators here... People and practise...

2007 at the moment looking bright for me. I hope I'm making all the right moves this year and if I ever fall, please Allah let me get up with dignity.