Of hoping and PMS post..

The deafening silence situation with my mom is almost becoming unbearable. Vice versa, not getting it from my kak long is giving me a peace of mind. Tranquility beyond imagination.

I'm a terrible person so kak long said. And she knows just how to push the button a lil' bit deeper. Weeks ago after the incident with my mom, she called me up while I was having lunch at work and nag..nag...nag...

Surprise..surprise..I was totally calm..hell I'd surprise myself. It wasn't because I had people around me but because I had enough.

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I'm a gone case...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I NEVER contribute anything to the family..

I had enough of my siblings telling me all my mistakes which they themselves are doing it...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I made my mom cry when each and everyone of them have done that and still doing it at times...

I had enough of my siblings telling me what are the consequences of being "anak tak dengar kata" when they are also the "anak tak dengar kata" in some situations...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I'm not a good muslim, just because of the blunders I did in my life or because I did not see the light after performing the Umrah and that the trip was a waste of money...

I just had about enough....I love my family..honestly..really...but sometimes I prefer being far away from them. Distance makes the love grow fonder,being far make me feel more at home....

I think I perform better as a daughter/siblings when I'm far away. It's really depressing when you have siblings that think they have been doing more than the rest.

Since when doing something for your love ones become something measurable than an act of sincerity??

I miss having small talks with mommy. I still wish her formally when I see her at the patio upon leaving the house or vice versa.

I can't help but to recall the last phone conversation I had with kak long...nag..nag..nag...about my personal life, family and all...I just said..ok..ok...and ok... But when she started to question about my work, I politely told her that if she needed to nag on me about other things ok...but do not touch about my job.

And then she said, it's not easy talking to me, because I would usually answer back then hang up. Yeahh...I know..that's bad.

But that particular afternoon, she was the one who hung up on me.

Usually if it's was me who hung up the phone, it would followed by a SMS drama....

But I didn't bother to do the SMS drama thingy...it's not me. I'm not up to anymore verbal abuse and cat fight and I'm tired being criticized for not being the perfect daughter or the flawless siblings.

After finding out that Nour's mother passed away, I was like...what if it happens to me? Without doubt, I will cry and will have feeling of regrets.....

Off course to few people that I confide on this they all give me the same advise... and I think you guys know what it is. It's the most logical advise, I would have given the same advise given the same situation. And I totally agree with all of them.

Not a moment went by without thinking of her. I find myself keeping busy just to take me away from thinking so much about it. I've become a freakin weeper!!! When I'm alone I weep over small things....the sad story line on tv, when reading newspaper..almost about everything..I even weep when I saw P.Diddy's performing at the Concert for Diana..can you dig that?? I can't either...though I try to contained it within me only. Can't let it go in public ehh....

Without my mom, I think I will be at loose end.....the fact that I'm not talking to her but just seeing her made me feel all intact.

This time I'm going to follow my hunch like I always do, something good will turn out from this..I'm positive and that my mom will find her way to forgive me and I will crawl up to her and beg for forgiveness.

Do I make sense? Am I tempting fate here? What if...what if... I'm not going to think about it..she's my pillar of strength even if she always put me down about my weight, she's my world greatest mom....

Every cloud has a silver lining...

And I keep telling myself that...

Oh Allah, please make it easy and not make it difficult...Rabbi yasir walatuassir..