Mom, Please forgive me....

Today my tiredness was being misunderstood by mom. It's my only off day of the week and I really need to rest around and do my errands at my own time without any pressure. As I pass no. 3 couple of years ago, I've beginning to understand myself bit by bit. Sometimes, me confused me, can anyone understand me? Heck..I sometimes don't. Adakah aku going to be senile?? Mintak dijauhkan Allah.

I'm a temperamental person, but throughout the years I've toned down a lot. I know now that when I'm angry or being attacked for no reason, it's best I walked away and come back later for confrontation, when I'm more calm.

I know now that I can forgive easily, not necessarily forget, but I'm learning to do that too. I hold no grudge to people who have hurt me intentionally or unintentionally.

Most importantly I hate it when people make plans for me without giving prior notice or assume that I'm always free just because I'm the only single in the family.

I saw a show on TV quite sometime ago, this shrink said to this lady - Go on Stephanie, express it, tell your father as if he's in front of you. Tell him how you feel about all the years of abusing you've endured.- You will feel better, even if he's 6 feet below. Let it go.

And that's what I'm going to now. Instead of talking, I'll write about it. Glad that my mom is still breathing while I'm writing this...

Assalamualaikum Dearest Mummy,

First of all, please accept my apologies for my uncalled behaviour this morning. It's absolutely not acceptable. I want to stress here that, mom you can always ask for my help at anytime, but I just wish that you give prior notice and even without notice, I may sulk like I always do, but I'll do it. I only have very limited rest day. I don't have luxury of what other siblings have. I cannot be going to the bank every rest day.

I don't understand where you stand on the fact that I sleep more then I work. Because I only sleep average of 5.5 hours everyday..rarely I get to sleep more because of the nature of my work.

Today, I somehow was not verbally rebellious to you like I always do. I kept silent and off course my expression shows frustration by the misinterpretation. But I sense that you wanted me to not shut up but instead talk back as how I always do. I was more perturbed by the fact that Ayu always like to "batu api" when situation like this happen.

Yes, I think I made your drop a tears or two today and this is not the first time, I admit and beg for your forgiveness, but she has to stop that kind of attitude. Always finding a chance to "tembak". How many countless time that she made you cried too?? With her new born tu and how she refused to follow yur advise and instead rely on the internet for everything. Like your experience giving birth to 7 children are nothing compared to the internet knowledge. Have I ever made situation worst? Nope, I always said, biarlah mom, she has a husband and now a mother, pandai-pandaila nak hidup. Let it be.

I know I'm not one of your best product. I'm not the smartest, I'm not even what every mother's dream. I'm fat, you always say so. Every achievement, it's not good enough because I'm fat. I'm still not married because I'm fat, you stressed this fact all the time, I know. Is it not matter that I'm happy? Doesn't it matter to you that I made it this far from the result of your upbringing? Is it still not enough of an achievement unless I'm slim as every mother's dream.

Nevertheless, I could not ask for a better mom. You've supported me all my life emotionally and materially. Please accept the fact of who I am. I try to change to suit your requirements, but I can only do so much. I'm freakin' 32 mom!! There's things I can change, there's things are stuck to me like glue. I cannot make you proud like Kak Long do, or please you like Ayu does, or make you feel at ease just by being present like adoi and abang.

If I'm granted a wish, I would wish to be slim just to make you happy.

If I can afford it, I would buy a man love to make you happy.

I would be a 4th wife just so I can give you 5g's a month, just to make you happy. Just so you dun have to work hard at this age. It's all children's dream to give their parents back wealth in return to the years of sacrifice and hardship.

All for you mom...but I'm sure that deep inside you would not want me to do something that will not make me happy kan?? Isn't that what mother's suppose to do?

And to my sister, please laaa...jangan suker jadie "fire stone". You know that's like a disease.... like a piece of splint that's stuck in you and remain there mencucuk-cucuk okeh!!!

Lots of love and kisses....

UBA


p/s - adakah hati aku relief?? a little bit yes...mamat kat coffee bean nie mesti ingat aku nie giler dari tadi asik lap mata aku yg berair nie...sensitive heart I have when it comes to my mom. I love her..I do..I just wish she would understand.