Happy Father's Day - Dear Abah....

Happy Father's Day

My wishes to all Fathers out there and that includes my father. My relationship with my father is totally different with my mom. I can talk about everything with my mom..err..ok not everything but whatever it is that I want to talk about, I can. But with Abah, it's a reverse.

The older cousins and elderly relatives have told many times that my Abah is a totally different person when we were younger. He was a dotting father and my big sister who's her first daughter is his favourite. He would bring us around whenever he has spare time off.

My mom used to say..eeiihh...mummy dulu malas nak bawak all of you kuar whenever we do go out, but Abah always say that...eeii..mesti la bawak..we must stick together. Be it to groceries or any expos like the the book fair, or furniture fair..kan dulu dulu byk expo ni kan?? at stadium negara laa..DBP hall laa..and few other places.

Infact my mom bought this big bucket of bright orange for rice storing at this "expo" once upon a time, both mom and abah were so busy shopping when they heard a sound on a speaker "moooommmyyyy" followed by "sesiapa yang ada kehilangan anak..bla...blaa..." that bright orange bucket could fit my brother at that time. I was prolly in a pram then.

As I grew older abah became distant or was it us? Dunno...

Many people told me, UBA appreciate your father while he's still alive for once he's gone, he's never coming back. I didn't understand this but as I grow older and wiser, I sorta know what it means.

Last Friday when I send my father to Friday prayer, he looked so fragile. When I fetched him 2 hours later, he look really old and frail.

He's a forgetful abah now. Kept asking the same question over and over again. He could not accept the reason why we sold the car after that minor crash last year. He could not understand why I'm holding his ATM card. Kak Long duplicated his IC and driving license for his safe keeping as he kept losing the original. Even then it still got lost. Everytime he ask for it, I would say..takder kat UBA la Bah, it's with you, remember I gave it to you? And he would go..ye ker?? Is there such thing as white lie? He accused me of stealing his money. Sometimes we see him walking to the lake and we'll follow him from behind just to make sure he reaches his destination safely.

My mom was and is still emotionally hurt by his emotional abuse. There were times when I asked my mom, How did u do it? How can you accept his wrongdoing? My mom would say, he was not like that before. He's a man with ego he is. He took care of the bills, not asking a cent from my mom. My mom only spend on the groceries. He's a thrifty person too. According to my mom Arwah abang maser kecik use to say, abah kalau gie pasar, asik la sayur yang sama and ikan...kalau mommy best, ader sotong ader udang, ader sumer laahh..that's my father, he's childhood was not easy, therefore he's really stinged when it comes to money.

There were time I ask my mom, how can you tolerate all this? Because of you children, I don't want you all to grow up without a father. After all his flaws was not that major, he never hit my mom that's for sure.

There are times when he's on his crazy mood, I would say to mom, Mie sometimes I wish either Allah take me or him first because if not my life would be fill with sin to my father. Astaghfirullahallazim....nauzubilla minzalik...

When my bro died, he asked my mom, "Ini eri ke? Eri dah takder?" And one night after my brother passed away, he asked my mom, nape Eri tak suker I? My mom cried bucket, she said, maner ader Bah..maner plak dier tak suker...

We were in a car driving to Along's wedding when my mom said, It's 19th May,abang birthday today, he would be 38, I just nodded my head muttering I remembered. Then I heard she asked Abah, u ingat tak, birthday Eri nie? Birthday Eri yer?? 38 tahun dah yerr?? And he looked outside the window, I wonder what is in his mind.

I remembered when I was 10, I ran away from home, then after arwah Pak Long found me and took me to Abah, I was so scared that he would hit me. But instead he just hug me so tight and said never ever do that again and always remember that he loves me.

Sometimes I wonder what happen to my Abah? Apakah dugaan yang Allah would like our family to overcome?

I vaguely remember an ayat in Quran that says something like,

Allah S.W.T takkan menduga kita dengan apa yang tak dapat kita terima.

Maybe this is my lot. I'm counting my blessing, I've seen people suffering worst, enduring hardship in life and trying to make ends meet. At least my Abah provided us with an excellent shelter and good food and good education. What with the trauma and all....we are still surviving. U know what they say? What dun kill you just makes you stronger...

What else could I ask for?

Add-on 18/6 :-

I remembered about 9 months before my brother's death, we had a family meeting to discuss about my younger sis mayday situation with her bf. After the meeting, somehow or rather arwah ended up wit Abah at the garden talking under the star. All of us were peeping from inside including my mom and I remembered she said..finally...finally...both of them are finally talking like father and son.

When my brother went into the house couple of hours later, we applauded.

But sadly he told my mom... Mummy, Ayi dah cuber mie..I did...but through out the conversation all he did was lecturing me like I'm a small kiddo...I tried...

After that, all of us siblings decided to go to mamak for teh tarik and he came to a conclusion which all of us agreed...

No matter what, he is our father, without him there is no us. Now we don't have to pretend we're bunch of Brady's but we don't have to disrespect him either. If that one day come and he'll be taken away, I will shed my tears....and 9 months later my brother left us. All 6 of us shed our tears....