Wake up call

I was woken up by my mom this morning via the cell. She was like....

I****, mummy sedih laaa.. (and she started crying) I was so totally awake by now...

Mom - Jgn lah gaduh gaduh lagi ngan Abah... last night he asked me, mak duk kat maner??

Me - Mak?? Wan ke nenek mie?

Mom - Wan laaa...

Me - Then mummy cakap aper?

Mom - Mommy cakap la, mak maner ader dah Bah, dah meninggal...*sobbing still* and u know what he asked?

Me - What

Mom - I pergi tgk ker kebumikan mak tu? Mommy cakap la ..yer bah u pegie..

Mom - Dia dah luper I****.... sometimes he forgets whether he had his meal or not... Jgn la lawan lawan dier lagie okay.. he doesn't remember well now...

Me - Ye ker mie... ok lah..

*Cell phone off*

I used to asked my mom couple of years ago, how and why she accepted the way my dad treated her. Note - my dad is not a physical abuser but he tortures mom emotional quite bad that I didn't understand why she stood up for him after all these years. She just kept quiet. Till last night I still did not get the answer.

Last December my sister send me a text messages -

*Salam. Wa said to mum, "Mi, esok is your 40th annivesary" Mum replied, "Tak yah buat aper2. Sakit ati jer. Kalau takder anak2, life is meaningless" sambil berlenang air matanyer. (Also tomoro is Bos's b'day. 73th kalau ikut i/c. 76th actual. Kita doa je la aper2 yg patut)

And when I got that text, I still wonder to myself why did mom accepted all that? Why didn't she pack her bags and leave with all 5 of us? I cannot recall when actually Abah started to mistreated her, but it goes as far as I can remember, like forever.

But today I guess I'm beginning to understand vaguely why...

People get married for various reason, either they really love each other or they think they love each other, for companionship, for money, for because it is something they must do after long years of courting - just to get the happy ending without realising that it was just a beginning of a whole new chapter. Or could it be because there's passion in it, thunderbolt lighting strucked at that spot, at that moment, chemistry factor was perfect or many other reasons for that matter.

And once its binded, it's usually for life. Like only death will do us part..kinda thing... Then reality come into life, out come the habits good or bad of our otherhalf, we learn to deal and accept it accordingly. Then pop out the junior/s. Then the passion dies off as it usually happens and only conscience kept the marriage alive. The feeling of responsibilty, guilt, and I must make this happen attitude then comes all the sacrifices.

Sacrifices has kept my mom to the ground. She probally could walk out ages ago, but she did not. Perhaps because she felt we needed a father, a proper family tree or simply a I'm a happy woman with wonderful children and a great husband!!! No one outside needed to know.

But for whatever the reason Allah has grant us this ordeal, only HE knows, I'm grateful that I have a father and a mother and few other siblings whom I can call my family. Yes sometimes I wish I didn't have a father because of the things he does and than I'll retaliate so bad beyond a father and daughter arguments that's beyond imagination and I felt that I've accumulated so much sin because of him. Sins that I could do without. I wish I can undo all the things I've said
and done, but it will not happen. I just hope Allah will grant me more patience, strength and love to offer my Abah and this morning call was a sign for me to start acting like a daughter as how he has been to me during my younger days.

It's my mom choice to stay with him. I would not stay, if I was her. But mom is not me. I remembered someone once told me that - Allah takkan duga kita dengan apa yang kita tak boleh tanggung. Maybe that's her share. Meanwhile, I will just do my share of this dugaan which I think is only a speck of the dust compared to what others have to go through.

Ohhh..before I forget..I spoke to Mashitah today...that little girl in the photo... She was at the neighbour's house playing with Jannah. Jannah recognize my voice considering I left the house about 5 months ago I felt good. So Mashitah told me she can draw and color now and she drew and colored a fish in school. And she also said she can dial her mama's phone without help from others and even remembered the number. I was so happy and she asked for my number too. She even wrote it down with the help of Jannah and promised she will call. Ohh...how I've missed her... that little angel... hearing her voice made me drop my tears..

Mashitah dah tinggi ke skrg?

Dah..

Tinggi macam cik I**** ker??

*Giggled* Tak lah belum tinggi tu lagi...

I love you Mashitah...

I love you too....

Zahin n Muhd is back home for a week break. Just so happen my mom called Kak Wani today to ask about the kids. Instinct of a grandmother and a grieving mom. I hope Kak Wani won't be call a traitor for giving out such information as SIL labelled one of her brother as one for doing so. I guess it was too much of work for my SIL to get her 2 sons to call Wan over the phone, so Wan had to call them. So glad to hear from my mom that they're doing well in school, no bullies, good food etc. At least it made my mom's day.