Week of rambling entries...

Last week when I went for a slept over at my friend's place kat Flora Damansara, we went for a midnight show kat cineleisure. I told her aku tak suker pie kat situ because it's bloody high up and everyone move like a turtle kat escalator.

And she said takper..takper..she would show me a secret route. And secret route she did showed me. By the time we reached home dr tingkap dier nampak berduyun-duyun org baru nak kuar dr situ....kaaaahhhh....kahhhhh.... sumernyer budus budus belaka..errr..walaupun aku dalam kategori itu sebelumnyer.

Anyway ladies n gentlemen, not one soul followed us to the lift..not one single soul. We were like chipmunks, she hold my hand and whispered to me..ok ready?? ready to make a turn and just follow me. satu makhluk pun tak ikut.... and while waiting for the lift tu, I'd expected ader la sorang dua yg pandai kan??? takder satu pung???

Sungguh terrer kawan aku nie...aku suker..aku suker...

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It's been couple of days I was not online. Felt so exhausted, penat to the max..Every time I reached home, I switch on my wi-fi but never made it to the lap top. After cold shower, I'll ended up on my tilam. Sedar-sedar dah pukul 2-3 pagi. It's a girl thing nie kot..PMS takder tapi penat gilers.

In my tiredness I made it to the cinema for like 3 times this month. Thanks to Transformers to Die Hard 4.0 and also Harry Potter..pheww....and this not including Surf's Up and few others. Plus ader beberapa dvd pirate kat rumah yg still waiting to be watch. Kopak woii.... and everytime I go to them movies, for sure mesti singgah kopitiam. Many kopitiams now... goodbye starbuck for now...i'm hooked to local coffee.. plus is cheaper. I find it ridiculous to drink coffee yg berharga 15++ and it's finished like within 10minutes?? OOhhh....mak terpaksa be very prudent nowadays... nak pie holiday nie..

Today I went and watched Harry Potter. 12.30pm nyer show. Dgn confidentnyer aku raser it can finish by 2.30pm because I promised my mom to fetch abah kat masjid lepas friday prayer. I was confused by an hour which should be 60mins and not 80mins as I'd calculated ..mental jam skejab.. anyway at 2.30 I rushed out to fetch my abah. He was waiting at the bus stand outside the masjid. Tetiber raser guilty plak for keeping him waiting. I guess I have to go for another round of Harry Potter. I didn't feel anything wasted or complained that I had to go and fetch Abah..infact I felt good that I did one good deed today. RM10 duit ticket wayang boleh dicari, driving my abah around, maybe I would not have that chance anymore, it could be me or him, either way I feel fabs....

Speaking about good deed, this week could be a my "my name is earl" week for me. yesterday on the way home in the tube, at KL Sentral station I managed to get a seat..phewww..what a relief..as I said I was very tired lately. As soon as I sat down, I closed my eyes. On my right were 2 ladies busy talking one another. After few stations, I opened my eyes and I saw this pregnant Indian lady carrying a which I think looked like a lap top carrier bag and she looked like about to faint and sweating. I looked at her, waited for her eyes to hit me and dengan gentlemennya I said, Mem, Would you like to sit down? I figured she was pissed with the 2 ladies yg kohok tu, when she sat down, loudly she said, thank you very much. Berbunga perasaan aku..hehhh..hehhh...

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I like this song. I heard it during the Diana concert and googled for it. DL the video on youtube and been watching it over and over again. Dengan tetibernyer aku raser mamat Heroes - Peter Petrelli tu adalah amat memberangsangkan..hehhh..heehhh... look when he's standing at the door with Fergie..ooohh..man....to die for tuuu!!! Earth to UBA....earth to UBA....reality check please...hehhh..hehhh... plus aku raser knickers fergie itu sunggulah sexy cute gitu...

Big girls dun cry yer...?? takder maknernyer..big girls cries the most..

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Today also I finally had a real conversation with my mom. I told her to ask my sister for the rental charges for my apartment as I need to send my car to service. I just needed my share. She said why don't I sms her and then she'll get it from my sis.

I told her, please don't ask me to talk to her. I'm not ready. Her last words to me striked through my heart so deep. It still hurt so bad.

I told my mom, my sister said "I NEVER contributed anything to the family". I told my mom, memangla monetary wise I contributed the least but I did contribute and still do. NEVER is an understatement. Mom senyap jer. But I knew she understood..she knows my kak long has a loud mouth. Infect she knows each of her childrens character. Tapi hati ini raser amatlah lega selepas melepaskan aper yg terpendam selama ini...

Ok..enough rambling for the week. Great weekend u olls sumer okay....

Of hoping and PMS post..

The deafening silence situation with my mom is almost becoming unbearable. Vice versa, not getting it from my kak long is giving me a peace of mind. Tranquility beyond imagination.

I'm a terrible person so kak long said. And she knows just how to push the button a lil' bit deeper. Weeks ago after the incident with my mom, she called me up while I was having lunch at work and nag..nag...nag...

Surprise..surprise..I was totally calm..hell I'd surprise myself. It wasn't because I had people around me but because I had enough.

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I'm a gone case...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I NEVER contribute anything to the family..

I had enough of my siblings telling me all my mistakes which they themselves are doing it...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I made my mom cry when each and everyone of them have done that and still doing it at times...

I had enough of my siblings telling me what are the consequences of being "anak tak dengar kata" when they are also the "anak tak dengar kata" in some situations...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I'm not a good muslim, just because of the blunders I did in my life or because I did not see the light after performing the Umrah and that the trip was a waste of money...

I just had about enough....I love my family..honestly..really...but sometimes I prefer being far away from them. Distance makes the love grow fonder,being far make me feel more at home....

I think I perform better as a daughter/siblings when I'm far away. It's really depressing when you have siblings that think they have been doing more than the rest.

Since when doing something for your love ones become something measurable than an act of sincerity??

I miss having small talks with mommy. I still wish her formally when I see her at the patio upon leaving the house or vice versa.

I can't help but to recall the last phone conversation I had with kak long...nag..nag..nag...about my personal life, family and all...I just said..ok..ok...and ok... But when she started to question about my work, I politely told her that if she needed to nag on me about other things ok...but do not touch about my job.

And then she said, it's not easy talking to me, because I would usually answer back then hang up. Yeahh...I know..that's bad.

But that particular afternoon, she was the one who hung up on me.

Usually if it's was me who hung up the phone, it would followed by a SMS drama....

But I didn't bother to do the SMS drama thingy...it's not me. I'm not up to anymore verbal abuse and cat fight and I'm tired being criticized for not being the perfect daughter or the flawless siblings.

After finding out that Nour's mother passed away, I was like...what if it happens to me? Without doubt, I will cry and will have feeling of regrets.....

Off course to few people that I confide on this they all give me the same advise... and I think you guys know what it is. It's the most logical advise, I would have given the same advise given the same situation. And I totally agree with all of them.

Not a moment went by without thinking of her. I find myself keeping busy just to take me away from thinking so much about it. I've become a freakin weeper!!! When I'm alone I weep over small things....the sad story line on tv, when reading newspaper..almost about everything..I even weep when I saw P.Diddy's performing at the Concert for Diana..can you dig that?? I can't either...though I try to contained it within me only. Can't let it go in public ehh....

Without my mom, I think I will be at loose end.....the fact that I'm not talking to her but just seeing her made me feel all intact.

This time I'm going to follow my hunch like I always do, something good will turn out from this..I'm positive and that my mom will find her way to forgive me and I will crawl up to her and beg for forgiveness.

Do I make sense? Am I tempting fate here? What if...what if... I'm not going to think about it..she's my pillar of strength even if she always put me down about my weight, she's my world greatest mom....

Every cloud has a silver lining...

And I keep telling myself that...

Oh Allah, please make it easy and not make it difficult...Rabbi yasir walatuassir..

Rambo, First Flood!!!

SMART tunnel ain't smart yet after all...Last Sunday 3rd July, what was warned to me when I accepted this job, became reality. My "FIRST FLOOD" in my life.

I remembered it clearly..ohh UBA, the SOP for our department is that everything has to be kept above knee and nothing should be on the floor. And when the flood comes, jacket or no jacket everyone has to share the burden. Of course that came right after I put my signature on...cehh..dah sign baru nak cakap..takpe laaaa..

The aftermath was hell.. We had to push water for about 4 hours..clearing the mud and debris..no thanks to Sg Kelang!! Balik pukul 12 malam oiii...cud not even walk up to my room from the garage, fell asleep..sedar sedar pukul 2.30am...went up shower and hit the sack again. Aku rasa malam tu aku tido with my hands up in the air pushing water...

The SMART tunnel better be functioning soon...

I read in the newspaper sometime few days ago that the tunnel will be fully functioning as dual tunnel by the end of June.

An excerpt from STAR Sunday 3rd. Macam tau-tau pulak nak banjir that day..

From scepticism to admiration - tunnel specialist - Dr Martin Herrenknecht's

~It involved digging a tunnel of about 10km between Kampung Berembang in Ampang and Sungai Besi to the south of Kuala Lumpur. The tunnel will allow access water from the upstream in the Klang river to be diverted directly to a huge lake in Sungai Besi, thus preventing flooding in the city centre near the Masjid Jamek area~

It better not rain cats and dogs again until the SMART becomes SMARTER...







THE BEGINNING


THINGS START TO FLOAT BY THEMSELVES


MURKY WATER EVERYWHERE..YUCK!!


MORE MURKY, OILY, YUCKY WATERRR!!!


START NAIK BARANG....RESCUE TIME...


POSING DULU SEBELUM EVACUATE


BERAT NAK MAMPUSS OII..BENDA NIEHH....


STAFF AKU YANG BERDEDIKASI....WORK MUST GO ON...


RED ALERT!! EVACUATE TIME...

Add-on - 11/06/07

2nd flood hit was major yo... As expected I came to work today with muds on the road and things in office scattered all over. Measured the flood via the water trace mark on the wall...pheww..slightly higher than me. See the last picture, imagine the water rising and totally wiped out the long vanity mirror...can imagine or not?? aiyoooo... amazing to think that just few hours earlier the whole basement was underwater like in titanic and now it's just puddles of gross water with lots and I mean lots of things u can't even imagine!!

Double shift today, went back at midnight, took my shower, soak my feet in warm water, eat my McChicken and watch Devil wears Prada....Hmmm.... thinking in another 7 hours I will be back to that pit hole...

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It's Friday and genap lah 7 hari that my mom refuse to talk to me or me refuse to talk to me...I dunno..I'm just gonna let time fix it all for now.. at least when I see her at the patio before going to work I still do salam her.

Tomorrow is Qistina's cukur jambul. Just few minutes ago, her mom walked into my room arrogantly said...

UBA, nak pinjam kereta nak pie kedai, reben dah habis...

Took my keys, hand it to her and she snapped it from me.

No PLEASE no THANK YOU.....

Sabar UBA....Sabar...

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Congratulations to Pak Lah and his soon to-be wife Jeanne Danker ABdullah. Semoga berkekalan..ameen....

Mom, Please forgive me....

Today my tiredness was being misunderstood by mom. It's my only off day of the week and I really need to rest around and do my errands at my own time without any pressure. As I pass no. 3 couple of years ago, I've beginning to understand myself bit by bit. Sometimes, me confused me, can anyone understand me? Heck..I sometimes don't. Adakah aku going to be senile?? Mintak dijauhkan Allah.

I'm a temperamental person, but throughout the years I've toned down a lot. I know now that when I'm angry or being attacked for no reason, it's best I walked away and come back later for confrontation, when I'm more calm.

I know now that I can forgive easily, not necessarily forget, but I'm learning to do that too. I hold no grudge to people who have hurt me intentionally or unintentionally.

Most importantly I hate it when people make plans for me without giving prior notice or assume that I'm always free just because I'm the only single in the family.

I saw a show on TV quite sometime ago, this shrink said to this lady - Go on Stephanie, express it, tell your father as if he's in front of you. Tell him how you feel about all the years of abusing you've endured.- You will feel better, even if he's 6 feet below. Let it go.

And that's what I'm going to now. Instead of talking, I'll write about it. Glad that my mom is still breathing while I'm writing this...

Assalamualaikum Dearest Mummy,

First of all, please accept my apologies for my uncalled behaviour this morning. It's absolutely not acceptable. I want to stress here that, mom you can always ask for my help at anytime, but I just wish that you give prior notice and even without notice, I may sulk like I always do, but I'll do it. I only have very limited rest day. I don't have luxury of what other siblings have. I cannot be going to the bank every rest day.

I don't understand where you stand on the fact that I sleep more then I work. Because I only sleep average of 5.5 hours everyday..rarely I get to sleep more because of the nature of my work.

Today, I somehow was not verbally rebellious to you like I always do. I kept silent and off course my expression shows frustration by the misinterpretation. But I sense that you wanted me to not shut up but instead talk back as how I always do. I was more perturbed by the fact that Ayu always like to "batu api" when situation like this happen.

Yes, I think I made your drop a tears or two today and this is not the first time, I admit and beg for your forgiveness, but she has to stop that kind of attitude. Always finding a chance to "tembak". How many countless time that she made you cried too?? With her new born tu and how she refused to follow yur advise and instead rely on the internet for everything. Like your experience giving birth to 7 children are nothing compared to the internet knowledge. Have I ever made situation worst? Nope, I always said, biarlah mom, she has a husband and now a mother, pandai-pandaila nak hidup. Let it be.

I know I'm not one of your best product. I'm not the smartest, I'm not even what every mother's dream. I'm fat, you always say so. Every achievement, it's not good enough because I'm fat. I'm still not married because I'm fat, you stressed this fact all the time, I know. Is it not matter that I'm happy? Doesn't it matter to you that I made it this far from the result of your upbringing? Is it still not enough of an achievement unless I'm slim as every mother's dream.

Nevertheless, I could not ask for a better mom. You've supported me all my life emotionally and materially. Please accept the fact of who I am. I try to change to suit your requirements, but I can only do so much. I'm freakin' 32 mom!! There's things I can change, there's things are stuck to me like glue. I cannot make you proud like Kak Long do, or please you like Ayu does, or make you feel at ease just by being present like adoi and abang.

If I'm granted a wish, I would wish to be slim just to make you happy.

If I can afford it, I would buy a man love to make you happy.

I would be a 4th wife just so I can give you 5g's a month, just to make you happy. Just so you dun have to work hard at this age. It's all children's dream to give their parents back wealth in return to the years of sacrifice and hardship.

All for you mom...but I'm sure that deep inside you would not want me to do something that will not make me happy kan?? Isn't that what mother's suppose to do?

And to my sister, please laaa...jangan suker jadie "fire stone". You know that's like a disease.... like a piece of splint that's stuck in you and remain there mencucuk-cucuk okeh!!!

Lots of love and kisses....

UBA


p/s - adakah hati aku relief?? a little bit yes...mamat kat coffee bean nie mesti ingat aku nie giler dari tadi asik lap mata aku yg berair nie...sensitive heart I have when it comes to my mom. I love her..I do..I just wish she would understand.

Happy Mommy's Day

~AN EXCERP FROM THE FRONTPAGE OF NST DATED 10TH MAY 2007~


KUALA LUMPUR: What do you tell a parent whose child has gone missing? Can anything you say heal the wound?

Ching Poon was kidnapped on April 25, 2006 and her skeletal remains were found 11 days later
Ching Poon was kidnapped on April 25, 2006 and her skeletal remains were found 11 days later
Tengku Puteri Nur Aqilah Tengku Kamarudin was reported missing after she failed to meet her mother outside her school. She returned to her family last month
Tengku Puteri Nur Aqilah Tengku Kamarudin was reported missing after she failed to meet her mother outside her school. She returned to her family last month
The hearts of more than 1,900 parents continue to bleed for their children who are missing.

Since 2004, a total of 5,996 children aged below 18 went missing from their homes. However, except for 1,904, the rest subsequently returned home or were found.

The majority of those who went missing are girls. Of the four-year total, 3,398 were girls. In fact, girls from the 14 to 17 age group made up the majority of missing children in all four years.

According to Deputy Internal Security Minister Datuk Johari Baharum, 303 children and teenagers below 18 went missing from Jan 1 to April 13.
The good news is that 176 of them have been found and reunited with their families. The rest continue to anguish over the fate of their children.

Johari said there were five main reasons why children and teenagers went missing.

"Most ran away from home because they were influenced by their friends or were persuaded to do so by their boyfriends or girlfriends," he said in the Dewan Negara yesterday.

"Some children left home because of misunderstandings with family members, a lack of attention from their families or the wish to be free from their families.

"These are the top five reasons why children run away from home. There are many more reasons."

He said this in reply to Senator Datin Nik Azizah Nik Yahya who had wanted to know the reasons why children went missing.


"If parents notice any change in their children’s behaviour, they should take immediate action to find out what is wrong," he said.
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It is still very fresh in my mind. I was 10 when I ran away from home. All because I flunk my mid-term math paper. I was scared too death. Math was not my favourite subject and therefore not my cuppa tea. Passing marks just at the border was considerably good for me. I was scared like hell. The fact that I have to get home and show the report card to mommy and abah was terrifying. I can already imagine my dad long lectures and mom's cubit and spanking.

So I decided to scoot. Pack the essentials in my knapsack and off I went with my trustworthy BMX. At that time I remember telling myself that I'm gonna cycle all the way down to Kg. Bharu and live there with my Kak Teh's family together with arwah Wan. I have always have a good sense of direction. I was confident that I'll make my way through.

Siap tulis surat lagi and left it on the dining table. I remembered cycling all the way and upon reaching the Federal Highway at Bulatan Istana-Shah Alam I decided to take a 360degree turn to Kompleks PKNS and hang out at my then favourite place - BBC - Berita Book Centre. I was sitting down reading couple of books when arwah Pak Long found me.

He brought me home and I fondly remember how my dad hug me and told me never ever do that again and how he was afraid of losing me. I didn't remember how mommy reacted but throughout my life after that I knew she observed and understood and till now she has been an understanding mom minus the losing weight issue.....

She sat with me prior to my Penilaian Exam in Std 5. Surprisingly I scored 4A's 1B and that B was for Science. Not bad for one who was always failing math.

Then came SRP. She again found me a good tuition teacher and also sat with me as much as she could. And I did quite ok and got C3 for my math. But I did badly in Geography or was it commerce and it streached my grades. Dad was furious and he wanted to moved me to the school nearer to the house. I went berserk. After 8 years in the same school and I had to moved?? No way..I was adamant. I guess it is only now I realised why mommy was not so pushy on this. She prolly dun want me to freaked out again.

Then came the biggest theory exam in my life. One that I cannot afford to fail. One that at that point of life was crucial in determining my future or so I thot. Mommy could not do much with me during this time because it's mostly subjectives paper. The reading subject was not easy but it was not that difficult either. I just needed to do more revision and less TV. But hell who's gonna help me with Math?? No one...I was so dead.

And true to it, I got P7 for my math, the only one time ever that I passed since form 4. I can't believe it. I so thot I'm gonna flunk it. The rest of other subjects was acceptable and again English save my ass and brought my grade a step higher.

As soon as the result came out, mom and me sat down together and planned my future. She was so determined not to let this one litte devil of hers goes away without at least a minimum scroll in her hand.

She said..ok UBA would you like to try this? Since numbers is not your strength and reading is your life, so you have to get a course that needs more reading and less calculation. So off I went to a college in Langkawi.

I was messed up a little during my college years. I played hard but I never strayed from my intention to get that paper. I promised myself that I would at least do this for mommy if not for myself. Somewhere along the way I was caught up with this web of mess and I had to fight back for my rights to be in class. Again I told myself if I have to beg, I will. And begging I did and I was re-instate. Phewww..that was so close. While waiting to be re-instate I stayed at home for 2 weeks. Mommy was cool about it. Though it was a typical youngsters issue, she did not nag about it.

After I graduated and after lazing around for a month, mommy chased me out from the house. She urged me to look for suitable vacancy day after day. My first job interview, she drove me and even took that couple of steps up accompanying me in filling up the form. Hey...it was my first job interview. Couple of days later, I got the job... She always said I was born on a silver spoon...Mom I think I'm more on the wooden spoon kind..

Mom has played a big part in my life. Even when she was skeptical of me leaving abroad, she let me. And miles away when I needed a shoulder to cry on, she heard me. Her instincts was so strong that as soon as she heard my voice she knew something was wrong. But I told, I'm not coming back yet mom, not yet..I'll stay and fight. All I need was a word of encouragement, her doa and redha that was what she gave me.

It's gonna be an endless list of the so good things about my mom. But being the super mom plus cranky at times she has her flaws too. And these flaws to me was what made her perfect. I would not want to trade her flaws for any other thing. By saying that means, she did not want us to do what we don't want to do but instead to do what we feel is right. Mistakes happen she says, when it does, we fall, then we rise with dignity, we learn from it and re-set our priorities.

I guess I've always kept her in the middle of my on and off feud with my Kak Long. Sometimes I wish my younger sis is me and I am her. Whenever Kak Long put on her silent killer mode like now, anything I have to say I'll tell it to my mom.

Sometimes mom do hurt my feelings but that's just a little dot in my heart unaffected by all those years of sacrificed she did for me and the love she has for me.

She knows me too well that when I quietly left home couple of days 2 years ago in needing a space to myself after a great mental torture by Kak Long she understood when none of the siblings understood.

This was supposed to be a post about why children are running away from home. Because I myself have run away from home too.

However, unexpectedly it turn out to be about my mom and since mom's day is just around the corner, I want to wish my mom a very Happy Mother's Day and I know you've been through a lot, with Abang's death and the pain of not able to see his children grow up. I wish you all the happiness in the world and hereafter.

Mommy please don't stop praying for me to be a better person for no other doa are more precious that a doa from a mother to her children.

I love you and will always have you in my doa.

Kecewanya seorang Nenek...

Memang takder rezeki mummy nak jumper cucu dier, anak arwah abang...it's difficult to talk to them now...what more seeing them. So since there is an occasion which was a good reason to see them, mom ecstatic and looking forward to it. Princess cake was ordered as per Mashitah's request here.

But a call received from Toki on friday night destroyed her appetite and there was a moment of silent. So the cake was ordered but Mashitah cannot make it. Reason?? All the kids were not feeling well. Called and asked, they're having slight coughing...therefore mama said not to go.

Ohh....well...it's ok...grandma is just a little disappointed...so tak mengapalah..it's only kecewa seorang nenek dan seorang ibu yang kehilangan anak...

Mummy...sabar lah..insya Allah we'll meet them again some other time. Anyway Toki came to Along's nikah and took the cake home for her sick cucu.

I hope she'll like it...


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Thank you Chelsea.... Thank you for handing over the title to us...


Manchester United stand tall!!!

Mom and Cooking

So it’s confirmed that Mom has Rheumatoid-Arthritis. Doctor says that modern technology has not found any cure for this disease. They can just ease the pain by giving steroids which may lead to other complications like BP, heart disease, kidney etc etc. Also to do lots of exercise or the right term is physiotherapy. Twice a day at least so that the joints would not stay stiff and lesser chances of cracked or broken bones if she takes a slight fall unintentionally. Mintak lah dijauhkan Allah..

She was warded for one night on the 9th for an observation. The Doctor just wants to see and monitor her conditions for that whole day and also introduced some other kind of exercise. Because Mom has BP Doctor has given her the mildest steroids to ease her pain. Steroids are steroids..what else is there to rank it?? Mom and we decided that she would not take the steroids unless she really really needs it.

*Salam to all Kakak2 and adik2. Mumy bole discharge esok, InsyaAllah. Dr Rheumatologist nak observe aje today. So no worries, she’s all right. Dapat gud rest. The condition of the ward is reasonably fine.*

That was the SMS big sis sends to all siblings, cousins and in laws. So much as expected I did not get that SMS from her, instead I got it from my SIL. I’m fine with the cold treatment and non-talking terms for now, it’s infact a relief… but not to include update on mom to me..that’s just so selfish of her. But it’s ok, I have my means and ways.

The Big sis brought her to see a Chinese Doctor in Putrajaya. We’ve decided to try alternative medicine. At this point of time we’re keeping our hopes high. She has now able to move her neck and look rather fresh after the treatment. It’s acupuncture treatment. Mom said poking of the needles is not painful but when the medicine travels along her nerves she can feel the pain which will numb her. This is a good sign according to the Sinseh. She must not feel pain throughout the treatment, she should feel numb.

For this week, I had 2rest days. I..Moi…actually cooked for iftar… Boleh ker?? How long have I left that cooking?? Can’t recall. I remembered taking over the kitchen when big sis left for the States to further her studies. Mom was a teacher then and Abah was already a pensioner. She left when I was 15yr/o. I was on morning session and mom was teaching at the afternoon session. I remembered vaguely cooking full meals everyday through out the year and I actually enjoyed it. I hated the cleaning part though. I guess that was what distances me from cooking later on in life..I hated the cleaning so much.

I learned how to cook masak kicap, asam pedas, soups and vegetables. I learned how to make cekodok ikan bilis, sardine rolls, fried noodles and also baked chocolate cakes, sandwiched cakes and kuih bakar. I think mom did teach me how to cook curry and gulai but it just did not registered into my brain. Anything with coconut in it, automatically gives me the difficult signal. Cakes and kuih bakar was for selling then. Cakes for me were for eating only, I don’t really like to baked, and I find it very tedious. But kuih bakar was my favorite, it was very easy, chucked everything in a blender and straight to the flowery shape container. At that time though I was still squeezing “santan” since the santan itself was not on sale yet except for the manufactured santan which is not delicious to use. But the waiting…waiting for it to baked fully was an agony. Lamer gilers woohhh… Couple of times I woken up to a hangus kuih bakar!!1 At that time we had 3 ovens and 18pcs at one go. It will take about 3hrs for all those 18pcs to become a finish product. Then cooling off time lagie, then packing it and hantar to kedai. But it was good money.

I stopped cooking as soon as I went to college. Mom was not like other mom, she dun really pester and say things like anak dara tak reti masak ker or things like that. But keeping the house clean, now that she’s particular. So off and on when she finishes her cooking I will do my part which is cleaning…terpaksa laaa. Sometimes there were times that I would not even know where all the rempah ratus are when we have other people cooking at home. Terukkan??

When I finished my studies, came back home and started my job, the more reason I have not to cook. Then I left for London. When you’re alone, all the things that mom teaches you and not the school subject becomes practical. I sometimes cook on my off days or simply grab my fav sandwiches at the nearest Marks. I have this Kakak whom I always hang out with on my off day..and we will eat our heart out on that day which is usually every week. Or if it’s pay day we will go to Oriental City or Naha to get our hands on the char koay teow and teh tarik. Sometimes I will get stuffs at China Town and will make a feast for the 2 of us. I remembered when we makan the belacan and ikan masin, the daughter will go with hands covering her nose..Mom…sooo smelly…I think the neighbor Kaka. And we’ll go..yeah I think so too sweetie. How I miss that little girl and her mom.

So on Tuesday I cooked Ayam Masak Kicap and sayur campur goreng. On Wednesday I cooked Ikan goreng masak sambal, sayur sup and also cekodok ikan bilis. Terasa la proud gilers hari tu..and I did the cleaning up too. I felt like SAHM those 2 days without the kids though. It was swell and tiring. Now I know that SAHM is not all about shaking legs all day. Respect to all the SAHM bloggers.

Now I’m back at the office. 2 goods days of cleaning and cooking..I think I will stick to working for now..this is what I do better.

Ramadhan and Sacrifices

So much to write..too little time..but I must have some time for me. Because by blogging I find some therapeutic sense in me.

Lemme see..what has been going on in my life?? New job..moved back to my parents place...and...and that's it. Why the heck am i so out of time then??

First and foremost I would like to wish my fellow bloggers a blessed Ramadhan al mubarak. Since I've been out of the blog world for quite sometime, here's a list of those I like to wish individually..just so u know that I'm still around and been reading your fantabulous blogs!!

WISHES GOES TO...

1. Anggerik Merah
2. Aunty N
3. Ayong
4. Azer Mantessa
5. Bertique
6. BTB Bro
7. Boogie
8. Blackfeline Sis
9. Bro Hero
10. Cosmic Gurl
11. Dayang Zone
12. Freex n Geex
13. Gab
14. Gravtkills
15. Bro Idham
16. Intan the SING Goddess
17. Isas
18. Itote
19. Jade aka Jar Miow
20. Jlop Jollie
21. Kak Teh
22. Kak Lady
23. Lollies the Doha Goddess
24. MadameRosse
25. Mak Andeh
26. Mak Lang
27. Mak Nenek
28. Mama Rock
29. Merapu Man
30. Nadia
31. Ninuk
32. NoreMourinho
33. Nour
34. NzN
35. Pak Adib
36. Pokku
37. Romancing The Stone
38. Sheryl
39. Sue Ixora
40. Sya the Kakak Bowling
41. TruBlue
42. Twisted Joe
43. Not forgetting..Kak Elle in SING & Kak Lady in SA

Not forgetting too my EFX2 buddies...

1. Dory
2. Elisa Taufik the Al-Khobar Goddess
3. FamyGirl
4. LazyDaisy79
5. Yes..lollies again..:)
6. Moonlite
7. Nadia
8. Nonah
9. Offlionandbear
10. OndeOnde
11.Primary Basic
12. Rotidua

And, in case I can't keep up with the blog world..SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI, MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN....SEMOGA AIDILFITRI INI LEBIH MEMBERI MAKNA KEPADA SEMUA...

If i've missed anyone...it's not done intentionally..do forgive me..

I will always remember this Ramadhan. This will the first year my mom won't be able to cook for us. She's not feeling well. Since the wedding, she has gotten worst. She's practically invalid in terms of doing any house chores. Suspected Arthritis-Rheumatoid. The blood test will only be known on the 6th October. Deep inside I'm scared...If there's one thing that I'm afraid..is losing my mom. No matter who irritating she can be in condemning my weight...she's my pillar of strength. When I was down she didn't gave up on me. She played the mother role I would say to almost perfect. I don't want a perfect mom..I'm now learning to appreciate my mom the way she is....

I usually will get home at almost Isya, greet her in the room. Sometimes she will be struggling to get up for the loo to take wudhu. I peep from outside quietly..sometimes I can hear her crying... I just kept far away. What can I do??

There's only my big sis and me. My big sis will rush home to prepare or buy food for buka puasa then back to work. She will come back after maghrib, clear the table, get ready for Isya then to Terawih. I'll be coming back just after Isya, head to the kitchen, clear the dirty plates in the sink then massage my mom or dressed her in her kaftan or just simply chat with her. Nowadays I will put on the infra light treatment for her frozen shoulders and joints, these will usually takes up to almost an hour concentrating to many parts of her joints. So while doing this I get to chat with her on things and hear her feelings...She's scared too..she's been far too independant..that not being able to get dress on her own makes her depressed. I'm grateful that I have an Aunt and her children who really cared about my mother. They send some food everyday to my mom, knowing that I won;t be home on time and my Sister only get food from the Pasar Ramadhan... Thank you Umi and Kakaks!!

While doing that, she will always say that she misses her grandchildren. My late bro usually brings them at least once a month to Shah Alam...Now?? It's not my perrogative... I hope my SIL will find some sense in her to do what my bro used to do especially now...it's hard for all...that's for sure..but that's the least I can do...no matter how much I do..it will never measure up to what my mom have done for me through out my life. My younger sis, drove up yesterday with her husband after hearing my mom's voice on the phone. She's in pain, she's scared, she feels helpless..

I help her dressed

I help her with her food

I help to get out of the car

I help her to get up from the bed

I help her ease her pain by rubbing heat ointment on her crinkled skin..yet natural

I'm actually doing the house chores...

But my SISTER sacrificed the most though... Now that I know she had been crying for quite sometimes..frustrated with her siblings attitude.. where's my 2nd bro?? He's out for 40 days since 16 Syaaban for his yearly mission. Shouldn't he be with his mom instead??..is his responsibility now..he's the only son left..It's not my call..but I know deep inside my sister and especially my mom is sad. He should be with his family or in this case my mom and share this moment together..I'm not going to call it a burden..because for once in my life I'm doing something for my mom..something that comes naturally..not because I have to. Yeah..I can be a pain in the neck sometime...whenever she says the wrong thing..like washing the toilet it's not a chores...she's just frustrated I guess.

Mommy, I know I never said this enuff, I love you..I hope you will be better soon...I promised to do my level best for you...

Maybe there's a reason after all me not being married yet..there's a reason why I got this new job nearer to home, why my off day now it's no longer Sunday and it's weekday where I can drive my mom wherever she wants to go, why this...why that...but one thing I wonder but redha..is why?? why my brother??

All she has left to remember him besides the memories and her pain when delivering him is his wooden chair which he brought back from his uni ages ago and he's 5 juniors..which she rarely sees...

While going through this I'm remembering how my friend down south deals with this. She's in much greater situation that I am in. Thank you for indirectly giving me the mental and emotional preparations.

For now..I'm anxiously waiting for the blood test result...

Oh..Allah please make it simple..don't make it difficult...

Sombre hearts..

How do you help a mother to overcome her child's death and a wife's sorrowfull on the loss of her otherhalf??

I called my mom yesterday to say hi and check on things. Things after the latest family crisis. Things that left her heart feeling sore and sombre. She expected it, but didn't expect it to be so soon. But Mommy, when is soon is too soon and late is late enough? I can feel her voice, the sadness, the tears she cried, all those late nights on the patio alone wondering why does it has to be her angel and not her. The pain was too much for her, but she's one strong woman. She's my pillar of strength. When all others gave up on me, she did not, she pulled me back on track and showed me the right path. She has her weaknesses but all are shared nothing are hidden so that we'll learn. Learned to accept the fact that humans are far from being perfect, that it's ok to have weaknesses and to overcome the shortcomings in life with pride and dignity.

Now she's scared. Scared of losing the only link to her angel.Her 5 grand-angels. She misses them so much. She miss them being around her house jumping, playing and eating her hand-cooked meals even just for one weekend. A weekend that never came. A weekend that went away with her angel being gone or so she thought. I must initiate and not expect her to come week in week out just to see her 5 angels. Now she comes, she comes only to be with her angel and recites prayers for her angel. To pray for his serenity in life after death. She talks to him though she knows there will never be any replies. I sometimes forget that she's already 64 years old. I still think of her as the superwoman who runs her family 24/7 despite all the challenges she faced with my daddy. Yes, my daddy, not an easy person to deal with. But she hold on to her marriage for the sake of her 5 angels. It was not the divorcee title she was afraid of, it was us being without a father to run home to that made her hold on to it.

It was her instincts that made her cook all those scrumptious dishes for her angel to feast one last time. The last that came too soon. She will not hesitate to take his place not for one second. She still feels the pain of giving birth to her precious angel. Will she ever overcome this? Only time can tell...only time can heal the heart of a sombre mother...

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Half of her went with her otherhalf. Her otherhalf to whom she has promised to give her life, her loyalty and her love. He was her friend, her confidante, her soulmate, her husband and a dotting father to 5 beautiful angels. If she was given a choice to stay or leave with him, I'm very much sure she will choose the latter.

She's fragile, she's vulnerable and she's frail. That she'll crush if she's not supported by faith to Allah. Her desire to live died together with him. The life that they have build together crashes down at that spur of moment. She's afraid, afraid that she's not able to raise the kids to his expectations. But Sis, we don't know what life has in store for us and for the kids. You'll raise them to be as kind and soft as you are and strong and firm as Abah was. Yes you will, I know you can. You don't need another otherhalf to raise them. He will never be the father he was and no guarantee of the kids being happy with him as a father. Yes, they're happy now because he's a caring teacher but can a man who has a wife and 2 kids offer you and your 5 kids a certain amount of happiness?? With all due respect no woman would want to share her otherhalf. If there is, I am sure there is a spot of wound in their kind heart. A wound wounded by the same gender previously holding the same title.

I know in my heart the love for my brother is something not to be question...but I can't help it. I just can't understand how a love developed from just a friendship can mellow down after a lame proposal. A proposal which should not have come not this soon at least and for whatever reason it was. At least not at your fragile and vulnerable state of condition.

I know you will think deep and think straight.....you can hear his angelic voice calling for you to be strong. I know you will because your parents have raised you well and your otherhalf have given you the hidden unknown strength waiting to come out.

Dearest Mommie....

Dearest Mommie,

With long words overdue, I'm lucky to have you and thank you for loving me even on my bad days....

Mama

She used to be my only enemy and never let me free,
Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line,
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would become the friend I never had.

Back then I didn't know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
My friend

I didn't want to hear it then but I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,about the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

Back then I didn't know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
My friend

But now I'm sure I know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all I can give you is love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
My friend
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
You're my friend

Always.....
~Your apple of the eye and the bad apple of the family~

To all the other moms outside there especially my fellow bloggers have a wonderful mom's day!!