Of hoping and PMS post..

The deafening silence situation with my mom is almost becoming unbearable. Vice versa, not getting it from my kak long is giving me a peace of mind. Tranquility beyond imagination.

I'm a terrible person so kak long said. And she knows just how to push the button a lil' bit deeper. Weeks ago after the incident with my mom, she called me up while I was having lunch at work and nag..nag...nag...

Surprise..surprise..I was totally calm..hell I'd surprise myself. It wasn't because I had people around me but because I had enough.

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I'm a gone case...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I NEVER contribute anything to the family..

I had enough of my siblings telling me all my mistakes which they themselves are doing it...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I made my mom cry when each and everyone of them have done that and still doing it at times...

I had enough of my siblings telling me what are the consequences of being "anak tak dengar kata" when they are also the "anak tak dengar kata" in some situations...

I had enough of my siblings telling me that I'm not a good muslim, just because of the blunders I did in my life or because I did not see the light after performing the Umrah and that the trip was a waste of money...

I just had about enough....I love my family..honestly..really...but sometimes I prefer being far away from them. Distance makes the love grow fonder,being far make me feel more at home....

I think I perform better as a daughter/siblings when I'm far away. It's really depressing when you have siblings that think they have been doing more than the rest.

Since when doing something for your love ones become something measurable than an act of sincerity??

I miss having small talks with mommy. I still wish her formally when I see her at the patio upon leaving the house or vice versa.

I can't help but to recall the last phone conversation I had with kak long...nag..nag..nag...about my personal life, family and all...I just said..ok..ok...and ok... But when she started to question about my work, I politely told her that if she needed to nag on me about other things ok...but do not touch about my job.

And then she said, it's not easy talking to me, because I would usually answer back then hang up. Yeahh...I know..that's bad.

But that particular afternoon, she was the one who hung up on me.

Usually if it's was me who hung up the phone, it would followed by a SMS drama....

But I didn't bother to do the SMS drama thingy...it's not me. I'm not up to anymore verbal abuse and cat fight and I'm tired being criticized for not being the perfect daughter or the flawless siblings.

After finding out that Nour's mother passed away, I was like...what if it happens to me? Without doubt, I will cry and will have feeling of regrets.....

Off course to few people that I confide on this they all give me the same advise... and I think you guys know what it is. It's the most logical advise, I would have given the same advise given the same situation. And I totally agree with all of them.

Not a moment went by without thinking of her. I find myself keeping busy just to take me away from thinking so much about it. I've become a freakin weeper!!! When I'm alone I weep over small things....the sad story line on tv, when reading newspaper..almost about everything..I even weep when I saw P.Diddy's performing at the Concert for Diana..can you dig that?? I can't either...though I try to contained it within me only. Can't let it go in public ehh....

Without my mom, I think I will be at loose end.....the fact that I'm not talking to her but just seeing her made me feel all intact.

This time I'm going to follow my hunch like I always do, something good will turn out from this..I'm positive and that my mom will find her way to forgive me and I will crawl up to her and beg for forgiveness.

Do I make sense? Am I tempting fate here? What if...what if... I'm not going to think about it..she's my pillar of strength even if she always put me down about my weight, she's my world greatest mom....

Every cloud has a silver lining...

And I keep telling myself that...

Oh Allah, please make it easy and not make it difficult...Rabbi yasir walatuassir..

Happy Father's Day - Dear Abah....

Happy Father's Day

My wishes to all Fathers out there and that includes my father. My relationship with my father is totally different with my mom. I can talk about everything with my mom..err..ok not everything but whatever it is that I want to talk about, I can. But with Abah, it's a reverse.

The older cousins and elderly relatives have told many times that my Abah is a totally different person when we were younger. He was a dotting father and my big sister who's her first daughter is his favourite. He would bring us around whenever he has spare time off.

My mom used to say..eeiihh...mummy dulu malas nak bawak all of you kuar whenever we do go out, but Abah always say that...eeii..mesti la bawak..we must stick together. Be it to groceries or any expos like the the book fair, or furniture fair..kan dulu dulu byk expo ni kan?? at stadium negara laa..DBP hall laa..and few other places.

Infact my mom bought this big bucket of bright orange for rice storing at this "expo" once upon a time, both mom and abah were so busy shopping when they heard a sound on a speaker "moooommmyyyy" followed by "sesiapa yang ada kehilangan anak..bla...blaa..." that bright orange bucket could fit my brother at that time. I was prolly in a pram then.

As I grew older abah became distant or was it us? Dunno...

Many people told me, UBA appreciate your father while he's still alive for once he's gone, he's never coming back. I didn't understand this but as I grow older and wiser, I sorta know what it means.

Last Friday when I send my father to Friday prayer, he looked so fragile. When I fetched him 2 hours later, he look really old and frail.

He's a forgetful abah now. Kept asking the same question over and over again. He could not accept the reason why we sold the car after that minor crash last year. He could not understand why I'm holding his ATM card. Kak Long duplicated his IC and driving license for his safe keeping as he kept losing the original. Even then it still got lost. Everytime he ask for it, I would say..takder kat UBA la Bah, it's with you, remember I gave it to you? And he would go..ye ker?? Is there such thing as white lie? He accused me of stealing his money. Sometimes we see him walking to the lake and we'll follow him from behind just to make sure he reaches his destination safely.

My mom was and is still emotionally hurt by his emotional abuse. There were times when I asked my mom, How did u do it? How can you accept his wrongdoing? My mom would say, he was not like that before. He's a man with ego he is. He took care of the bills, not asking a cent from my mom. My mom only spend on the groceries. He's a thrifty person too. According to my mom Arwah abang maser kecik use to say, abah kalau gie pasar, asik la sayur yang sama and ikan...kalau mommy best, ader sotong ader udang, ader sumer laahh..that's my father, he's childhood was not easy, therefore he's really stinged when it comes to money.

There were time I ask my mom, how can you tolerate all this? Because of you children, I don't want you all to grow up without a father. After all his flaws was not that major, he never hit my mom that's for sure.

There are times when he's on his crazy mood, I would say to mom, Mie sometimes I wish either Allah take me or him first because if not my life would be fill with sin to my father. Astaghfirullahallazim....nauzubilla minzalik...

When my bro died, he asked my mom, "Ini eri ke? Eri dah takder?" And one night after my brother passed away, he asked my mom, nape Eri tak suker I? My mom cried bucket, she said, maner ader Bah..maner plak dier tak suker...

We were in a car driving to Along's wedding when my mom said, It's 19th May,abang birthday today, he would be 38, I just nodded my head muttering I remembered. Then I heard she asked Abah, u ingat tak, birthday Eri nie? Birthday Eri yer?? 38 tahun dah yerr?? And he looked outside the window, I wonder what is in his mind.

I remembered when I was 10, I ran away from home, then after arwah Pak Long found me and took me to Abah, I was so scared that he would hit me. But instead he just hug me so tight and said never ever do that again and always remember that he loves me.

Sometimes I wonder what happen to my Abah? Apakah dugaan yang Allah would like our family to overcome?

I vaguely remember an ayat in Quran that says something like,

Allah S.W.T takkan menduga kita dengan apa yang tak dapat kita terima.

Maybe this is my lot. I'm counting my blessing, I've seen people suffering worst, enduring hardship in life and trying to make ends meet. At least my Abah provided us with an excellent shelter and good food and good education. What with the trauma and all....we are still surviving. U know what they say? What dun kill you just makes you stronger...

What else could I ask for?

Add-on 18/6 :-

I remembered about 9 months before my brother's death, we had a family meeting to discuss about my younger sis mayday situation with her bf. After the meeting, somehow or rather arwah ended up wit Abah at the garden talking under the star. All of us were peeping from inside including my mom and I remembered she said..finally...finally...both of them are finally talking like father and son.

When my brother went into the house couple of hours later, we applauded.

But sadly he told my mom... Mummy, Ayi dah cuber mie..I did...but through out the conversation all he did was lecturing me like I'm a small kiddo...I tried...

After that, all of us siblings decided to go to mamak for teh tarik and he came to a conclusion which all of us agreed...

No matter what, he is our father, without him there is no us. Now we don't have to pretend we're bunch of Brady's but we don't have to disrespect him either. If that one day come and he'll be taken away, I will shed my tears....and 9 months later my brother left us. All 6 of us shed our tears....

Rambo, First Flood!!!

SMART tunnel ain't smart yet after all...Last Sunday 3rd July, what was warned to me when I accepted this job, became reality. My "FIRST FLOOD" in my life.

I remembered it clearly..ohh UBA, the SOP for our department is that everything has to be kept above knee and nothing should be on the floor. And when the flood comes, jacket or no jacket everyone has to share the burden. Of course that came right after I put my signature on...cehh..dah sign baru nak cakap..takpe laaaa..

The aftermath was hell.. We had to push water for about 4 hours..clearing the mud and debris..no thanks to Sg Kelang!! Balik pukul 12 malam oiii...cud not even walk up to my room from the garage, fell asleep..sedar sedar pukul 2.30am...went up shower and hit the sack again. Aku rasa malam tu aku tido with my hands up in the air pushing water...

The SMART tunnel better be functioning soon...

I read in the newspaper sometime few days ago that the tunnel will be fully functioning as dual tunnel by the end of June.

An excerpt from STAR Sunday 3rd. Macam tau-tau pulak nak banjir that day..

From scepticism to admiration - tunnel specialist - Dr Martin Herrenknecht's

~It involved digging a tunnel of about 10km between Kampung Berembang in Ampang and Sungai Besi to the south of Kuala Lumpur. The tunnel will allow access water from the upstream in the Klang river to be diverted directly to a huge lake in Sungai Besi, thus preventing flooding in the city centre near the Masjid Jamek area~

It better not rain cats and dogs again until the SMART becomes SMARTER...







THE BEGINNING


THINGS START TO FLOAT BY THEMSELVES


MURKY WATER EVERYWHERE..YUCK!!


MORE MURKY, OILY, YUCKY WATERRR!!!


START NAIK BARANG....RESCUE TIME...


POSING DULU SEBELUM EVACUATE


BERAT NAK MAMPUSS OII..BENDA NIEHH....


STAFF AKU YANG BERDEDIKASI....WORK MUST GO ON...


RED ALERT!! EVACUATE TIME...

Add-on - 11/06/07

2nd flood hit was major yo... As expected I came to work today with muds on the road and things in office scattered all over. Measured the flood via the water trace mark on the wall...pheww..slightly higher than me. See the last picture, imagine the water rising and totally wiped out the long vanity mirror...can imagine or not?? aiyoooo... amazing to think that just few hours earlier the whole basement was underwater like in titanic and now it's just puddles of gross water with lots and I mean lots of things u can't even imagine!!

Double shift today, went back at midnight, took my shower, soak my feet in warm water, eat my McChicken and watch Devil wears Prada....Hmmm.... thinking in another 7 hours I will be back to that pit hole...

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It's Friday and genap lah 7 hari that my mom refuse to talk to me or me refuse to talk to me...I dunno..I'm just gonna let time fix it all for now.. at least when I see her at the patio before going to work I still do salam her.

Tomorrow is Qistina's cukur jambul. Just few minutes ago, her mom walked into my room arrogantly said...

UBA, nak pinjam kereta nak pie kedai, reben dah habis...

Took my keys, hand it to her and she snapped it from me.

No PLEASE no THANK YOU.....

Sabar UBA....Sabar...

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Congratulations to Pak Lah and his soon to-be wife Jeanne Danker ABdullah. Semoga berkekalan..ameen....

Kak Long's grieve

Maybe it's not meant to be. I pray that my Kak Long will go through this pain with a strong heart. She lost it. She had a miscarriage. She was bleeding heavily and was brought to the hospital at 4am in the morning. Somewhere in the late morning Mom received the bad news. She didn't even have to do D&C, totally all came out.

She was hospitalized and expected to be release tomorrow. Allah send us the one thing that we've been waiting for, the maid came a week ago and helped a lot in easing us with the house chores. We are so blessed indeed that she's here when we needed her most. So far so good. I hope it will last for the whole contract at least.

Mom thot Kak Long would be best be at her Apartment during her medical leave. I disagree. Who would help her when she needed food or drink? At least if she's at mom's place she can get all the help she needed and have mom to talk too. I'm sure she need Mommy to be by her side more than anyone else for now.

Semoga ada rahmat disebalik dugaan ini. I spoke to soon..I was just on YM with a friend earlier in the week about the 2 babies I'm getting next year from my 2 sistas.

Kak Teh has been a great help for all of us. Maybe she regretted her wrongdoing my mom years ago. Allah send her right at our doorstep when we needed her most. I remembered the time when I got back from UK she was not in talking term with the family. My brother's death brought all of us back together. Alhamdullilah, though it takes death to bring people together, at least we're back together stronger than ever. She has her ups and no one is perfect. I was totally amazed as how my SIL can forget her contributions in bringing up her 3 sons from a baby as small as an adult palm until Zahin n Muhd turn 5 and habib 3 before Abg decided to get a maid. SIL didn't let her brother to bring the kids to her house for Raya. We didn't tell Kak Teh this. Yes SIL was upset that Kak Teh called the current husband 1st wife to ask her opinion on this "payung emas" marriage. But not letting the kids to see her?? What all of us adult here have been doing now in the family is not to expose the kids to any of the feud. We don't want trauma or having them to pick between their mother and the rest of us. It's never in the intention.

My Kak Long said, Intan dia luper intan..Kak Long pernah tanyer dier, macam mana dier mandikan Muhd masa baby dulu, besar tapak tangan jer?? She said Axx tak tau la Kak Long, Kak Teh yg buat sumer..tanyer la Kak Teh..Axx tak jaga Muhd.

Only time can tell..For now please pray for my Kak Long's good health and mom too.

Till my next entry...

P/S : Lap Top kaput..no IE acces in the office and I've just discovered that to browse my fav blogs and update mine takes about 3 hours. Why I know this?? Coz I'm paying for it now..at a CC....UWAAAAAA...UWAAAAAAA..... lari budget..those days were RM1 for an hour now is 2.50....so the kopak laaaaa...

Sibling SMS Drama...

You know when at one point of life where nothing else matters?? Where you live day in and day out only for HIM. Gone are the days where what others said matters to me. Any constructive critiscm I will definitely take and improve where, when and how I can and to those who criticizes pointlessly and endlessly just because they’re feeling high and mighty, PISSED OFF!!!

Afternoon chat on the phone with me Mom

Me – How are you today..feeling better..ader exercise tak??
Mom – Ok…ader..mummy buat
Me – Saper tu?? Anyone came by?
Mom – Blaaaa…blaaa.. blaaa.. came
Me – Ohh…ok mummy dah makan
Mom – Dah..tadi kak long bought for me fillet burger
Me – Ok..Mie, today I’ll be back a lil’ bit late yaaa…coz Hapiz’s wife gave birth, so nak pie jenguk la yer..
Mom – Ok..u better tell Kak Long
Me – Hmmm..err..ok

5 minutes to 8pm phone chat with Kak Long at the locker, just after my maghrib.

She – What time you’re coming back?
Me – Ohh..slightly late skit..I told mom already..I nak pie hospital see my friend who just gave birth.
She – *Sigh and look at me I’m talking to you tone* Look where is you priority?? Is your friend much important than mom??
Me - *Stunned* *Blood pressure naik* Eeehh..aper nie??? Org nak pie tgk my fren kat hospital jer and I already told mom.
She – Oohh..you friend is so important is it? Who’s going to do the physio with mom?
Me – Laaa..balik I’ll do laa..
She – Ohh..mom will be too tired by then
Me – Ok..so why can’t you do it for me then? *Raised voice* So you cannot do it when you come back at 9?
She – Ohhh..u know this is the problem with you… u always want to raised your voice when I tell you something.
Me – Because you don’t listen..now I’m asking you why you cannot do it at 9 when u come back?
She – Intan, I have to go to Terawih and I have my own home..
Me – Ohh…I see..own home..
She – You see?? You see?? That’s your problem!!! Semua kawan..all your friends..
Me – Is easy for you to say kan?? Because you now have a freakin’ husband!!

Slammed down the phone…

Ring again….refused to pick up… Bzzz..Bzzz… sms came in

The SMS drama begins…

She – Pikir sendiri mane yang lebih penting. Ibu atau kawan? And keep d answer to ur self.

Received and Read…Think…This time I’m not backing out….She will have a piece of my mind..

Me – Dan piker mane lebih penting seorg perempuan pergi solat at the mosque or at home with the mom especially when the husband not around. U think ok. I’m adjusting my life to the best I can, all I need is a little appreciation not a condemning word 4 everything that dun go your way.

She – U and ur attitude!! Semuga Allah tunjukkan jalan yg lurus. Wat time you get back will tell mummy ur priorities. Simple. Don ever question abt the absence of my husband. U don know wat yur talking abt.

Me – ATTITUDE? Look who’s talking, ms perfectionist n control freak n everything is yur way or no way. I know my priorities. If you find it difficult to do physio with mom 2nite, it’s ok then. At least now I know…

She – Suker hati kau la. Do ur way and enjoy it.

Me – Yeah..that’s d best..U do yur way n we do our way n we can stop harassing each other n be nice for mom n whatever years balance of our life ahead.

She – Patut la Adoi kata ur “gone case”. I defend u, but now I think I was wrong. Adoi was really right. Do wat u want n like and don’t be ungrateful.

Me – Defend me? Tq la if u did. Really appreciate it. N u know wht? Dun bother 2 say wht others said about me bcoz I dun care heck about it! Intan ingat pesanan abang intan, something good dun always end good n vice versa.

She – Suker ati la..Muga umur pjg to prove it..

Me – I dun need to prove anything 2 anyone n pretend 2b who I’m not! Suker hati lu nak kutuk ke nak per ke. Asalkan bahagia dan puas hati…

She – Jazakallahukhairankhathira. Assalamualaikum.

Me – Wajazakallaukhairan. Waalaikumsalam

Finally….the SMS drama ends…

I reached home about 10.30pm and popped into the kitchen. What did I see?? A whole big pile of dirty dish waiting for me to be wash..heeehh..talked about revenge ehh….And who broke fast at home tonite?? My younger sis and her husband and Big Sis prolly came in just before 8pm because of her work nature.

So none of them can actually wash those dirty piles because I HAD to do some work contributions for that day…

Laugh to myself and happily rolled up my sleeve and wash..wash…wash…

I had enough of her bitching and nagging…. For cryin’ out loud..people have feelings.. My baby sister is lucky now that she has a husband, she has all the right reason to get away from this nasty situation… I remembered before she was married, everytime she argued with the HER, she will say..

Long….don’t be condescending sgt laaa…. Org lain pun ader perasaan gak..

I’m counting my blessings with the family I have though, which if my SIS didn’t realized.. I don’t have any siblings who’s on drugs or have drinking problem or living off with the parents money..each and everyone of us are successful in our own way not necessarily monetary wise. Even with the fights that our parents went through and sometimes still happen now… my mom did not get physically abused by my dad and all of us turn out ok.. with an exception of me la agaknyer..since both my brother and sis that I’m a goner… whatever la….

Can I not question why she chose not to call my brother to come home from his 40days mission and share the responsibility of taking care of my mom? Is it because he is doing a noble cause and our work is just not so noble??

Spare my lack of knowledge in religious issues, but is it not the son’s responsibility to take care of the parents?

Her reason?? Ohhh..what can he do? He stays in Puchong, the kids goes to school so it’s difficult for him to come everyday.

Is it??? Reason…reason…reason…

How far is puchong from SA… prolly about 25minutes drive when there’s no traffic. Plus his wife is a SAHM. For the time being until things settle down or when the maid arrives, why can’t he stay in SA. He can drive the kids to school every morning and stay at that area since his office is also there, and at least the wife in my mom’s place can help to care of my mom… reasonable?? But can I suggest that??? Noooo…my brother and her husband is in such noble cause where mom is not the priority as per the Sis.

But it’s ok u know..friends giving birth vs 40days of noble mission...nothing in comparison…

My baby sis makes an effort to come on week days infact everyone of us makes this little efforts for our mom. But when someone comes in and think that she is the superior of all and does the bulk of it….guess how that will turn out..

Usually after this drama episodes I would usually cry..and ask myself what is it people wants me to do or to be then go to my mom, mom will pacify me by saying..

Dah laa…dah laaa..buat pekak jer…whatever it is she’s your big sister..remember that she has done a lot for you and all the adik-adik..…

So what about our contributions?? What about our contributions when she flew to State to further her degree not on scholar?? Did she knew the trouble that mom had to go through? What all of us went through…Pernah diungkit? No..

What about when she was working in Langkawi for 10years?? Have she asked what we did??

Yes I know I’m the bad apple of the family, but people changed… but they’re not expected to be like how we want them to be..can I ask for my younger sis to be a little bit like me or like the eldest sis? For heaven’s sake she’s 27 and married…let the husband deal with her!!!

But yesterday my mind was clear..and I don’t want to go crying to my mom..she’s already worried as she is now… I said what I needed to say and my conscience is clear..

So tell me all you BIG KAK LONG’S out there…Is it because you have done everything for all of us your “gone case” brats that we have to endure and tolerate your bossiness???

N/B :-

Intan – That’s me
Adoi – My 2nd and only brother left
40days mission – Tabligh brothers they are